Shittier Days

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Friday
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Friday » Fri Jun 03, 2016 6:24 pm

The first words out of his mouth weren't "I'm sorry", they were "I forgive you".


Yeah, my dad used to say this same shit after he'd beat on and/or verbally abuse me and my brother. It's pretty common among those who are so inclined to beat and abuse children. And just like you're describing, my dad was a very intelligent person.
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Thad
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Thad » Fri Jun 03, 2016 9:29 pm

Sorry, man.

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Büge
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Büge » Fri Jun 03, 2016 10:08 pm

That's rough, Francois. I'm sorry.

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François
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby François » Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:12 pm

My brother got back from the funeral. It took place in Calgary, Alberta, and it cost a hefty chunk of change to get a last-minute plane ticket and hotel room, so I couldn't have gone myself even if I had wanted to. But I'm not broken up about it. Though I do have a teenaged half-brother I've never met over there, as well as a half-sister I haven't seen in person since she was a very young child. Maybe one day.

I haven't got much details from the trip yet, but I've certainly learned a couple things I didn't know before. The reason his second wife left him is that one day, when their second child was 4 and their relationship was apparently going well enough, he just disappeared, without word or trace. He came back 6 months later, having spent that time doing God knows what in Arizona of all places, for a reason we'll probably never know. She wouldn't take him back after that stunt; can't blame her. From that point on he lived alone in a tiny run-down house, lost his job, took up drinking (I don't recall seeing him drunk when he was with us, but his father was permanently soused, so in a way I'm not surprised) and lived frugally for about a decade on some sort of small income of mysterious provenance. (When my mother met him, he was a security guard and owed a ton of money; she paid off his debts and persuaded him to go to university. I have the assume it's the women in his life who kept him from going completely to pieces.) Then he caught a viral ailment that went to his heart, and died in his sleep, essentially penniless. His second wife paid for a simple funeral service and cremation, out of a generosity that I don't find out-of-character for her.

From what I hear he had a good relationship with his second set of kids. And he had pictures of my brother and I in every room of his house. That's probably what's closest to affecting me in this whole affair. It doesn't change or fix anything he did, but, dang. If he ever felt that way, I wonder what possessed him to move four thousand kilometers away from us in the first place. Though I suppose that's not the most inexplicable aspect of his life, in the end.

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Mothra
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mothra » Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:19 pm

That is baffling. Leaving your wife and kids for no reason, only to return 6 months later.

I have to believe he was dealing with some kind of mental issue, but maybe not. It's anyone's guess what was going on with him.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:05 pm

Yeah, we're never really going to know, I guess and that's one of the saddest things. I'm sorry man.
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François
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby François » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:57 pm

Yeah, I'm wondering about the possible mental illness angle too. He was, uh, quick to anger, and he had extreme reactions to perceived offenses, but outright leaving the country, seemingly on a whim? That doesn't sound like him, and in fact it does sound pretty damn crazy. The court appointed him a therapist around the time of his first divorce, but he never wanted to go as far as I know. Of course there's his brother who had a severe psychological disorder that his family refused to discuss, so I guess there might be heredity there, but none of his children seem to have inherited whatever there might have been to inherit. Well, I guess there's my sleep disorder that's out of the ordinary, but I don't have any known genetic markers for hypersomnia or narcolepsy, and it seems unrelated besides.

It's strange, I'm not grieving per se, and I don't feel emotional in any sort of major way, but... being able to discuss that stuff still somehow helps making me feel better. Thanks, everyone.

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Büge
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Büge » Fri Jun 10, 2016 6:30 pm

Glad you're able to work out your feelings so far, François.

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TA
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby TA » Sun Aug 14, 2016 7:50 pm

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Standing straight, from the front.
のほも is such a good word?? the concept is kind of hard to fully get across in translation, but basically it means a feeling of pure, deep, platonic affection, and i think thats beautiful

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Sun Aug 14, 2016 7:58 pm

That's pretty bad, but that's part of your chronic endemic health issues and not some new massive injury, I hope? :(
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TA
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby TA » Sun Aug 14, 2016 8:42 pm

Yeah it's been like this for more than a decade, I just got new x-rays.
のほも is such a good word?? the concept is kind of hard to fully get across in translation, but basically it means a feeling of pure, deep, platonic affection, and i think thats beautiful

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Tue Aug 23, 2016 6:18 am

It would be nice to not have to concede my manifold and comprehensive failings at life and everything I've ever done at length as a prelude to having a civil conversation with people I've known for years. Even now I hesitate to call them friends; friends don't treat one another like that in my book.

But I suppose if I wasn't such a complete failure I'd have moved on from that group in much the same way most of the decent people who first attracted me to it did.
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Mothra
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mothra » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:57 am

Time to find some new friends, buddy boy.

Last time I had to do that, I caught up with friends I liked but hadn't spoken to in a while, then just kept myself really open to whatever in presented itself (in my case, a Halloween party that led to a regular board game night).

If you're completely starting from scratch again, look for any kind of community get-together around an activity you like. Trivia night, movie night, Meetup, comic stores that do board games, etc.

It sucks for a while, then when you get in with a better group, you wonder why the hell it took you so long to get started.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Tue Aug 23, 2016 1:12 pm

I find I have almost never made friends in groups, rather I tend to find a group and make a friend or two in that group. Amusingly, it's frequently the case the few people in such a given larger group that I become friends with have an equal dislike of the group as a whole, are quasi-outcasts or otherwise not part of the "main" dynamic or clique of the group. The Brontothing where we all get along more or less is quite weird.

Anyway, the point is that finding new interest groups is sometimes a way of meeting new individual friends, but replacing a large grouping wholesale is something that pretty much never happens for me, since I usually have more qualitative friendships (fewer, but deeper). Frankly, it's quite hard to find genuinely decent people.
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Friday
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Friday » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:32 pm

So I know this was posted months ago but I just read it so:

Frankly, it's quite hard to find genuinely decent people.


Yeah, I think that's what makes this place special, (at least to me) while most of us have neurotic bullshit or even actual diagnosed mental problems, I've never found a collection of people anywhere else so decent on average.

Anyway, now I'll post what I came to this thread to.

So I debated posting this at all but I feel like I need a bunch of people posting 'that's rough buddy' I should just keep people posted as to the basics of whats going on in my life.

Some of this I've talked about in #finalfight before, but I bet most of you here don't know anything, so here goes.

I've been in a long term relationship with a girl (Rachel) for some years now. She's younger than me (not horrifically so) and this was her first open lesbian relationship. She's from a very conservative family and when she came out, they acted predictably on the "being gay is a sin the bible tells me so" side.

Anyway, last Christmas she went to her family down south to spend it with them and I stayed behind so as to not "cause a stir". They attacked her and she was miserable the whole time and left early. She doesn't want to cut then off, so I insisted on going next year to be there for her and also maybe give them a little piece of my mind if they said anything too over the line.

So also going on at the same time is Rachel basically thinks that -I am the One- and I don't share the sentiment. She's great and I love her, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. We've talked about this, openly, multiple times. When gay marriage became legal, she really wanted to do it, I told her I wasn't interested.

So we're at the wonderful place where one person wants to move forward and the other doesn't, but doesn't want to break up.

So this year I went with Rach to her family's house. I suspected she was going to do a big gesture of proposing to me in front of her family because of the way she's been dropping hints that she'll do exactly that.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

I'm single now.

Knowing it was coming didn't blunt it at all! In fact, it probably just made it worse!

I spent about a week doing the whole crying into my pillow thing and now I'm mostly okay. Poor Rachel is far more destroyed than I am, she literally couldn't believe I turned her down. She had, of course, been hoping I'd change my mind if asked, despite me warning her specifically that I wouldn't and not to do that. I helped her a lot come to terms with her lesbianism, so she has me on this semi-pedestal (well, I assume not anymore) where I can do no wrong and will always be there for her.

I should have broken up with her six months ago. I just am a selfish bitch and didn't want to. I guess a part of me just didn't want to believe that she would go through with the proposal despite most of me seeing it coming.

Talking about this in strict rational, logical terms is really hard, because my feelings keep choking me up and I'm still in that stage where just typing "Rachel" makes me tear up.

tl:dr: SUBWAY GIRL IS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS

editor's note: Subway Girl is actually straight and moved to the Bay Area and even if she didn't was never on the menu
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Friday
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Friday » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:34 pm

Oh, and I did manage to get her mom to admit that her daughter being happy was more important than anything else before the shit hit the fan, so hopefully maybe I did some good there.

Us immediately breaking up after probably just reaffirmed whatever bullshit though.
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Mothra
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mothra » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:58 pm

Holy SHIT that is rough, buddy. That is massively frustrating and disappointing and there's really no other way it could've gone, her being as determined as she was to bowl over your wants and needs in favor of rubbing her ecstatic storybook true love happiness in the face of her family.

You gave her every opportunity, told her what you wanted and what you didn't want, and she ignored you for a (kind of infuriatingly?) impossible-to-get-mad-about reason.

I dunno. You did some good for her and got out when you knew it wouldn't work. Definitely made the right call.

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Brentai
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Brentai » Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:29 pm

Sometimes love is just going to fuck you no matter what. We understand and are here for you.

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Büge
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Büge » Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:46 pm

I'm sorry, Friday. I don't envy you that decision. You are a much stronger person than I, and you have my sympathies.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:32 pm

It seems you've been honest and forthright about this throughout and gave her every bit of fair warning that you could.

I doubt that makes any of this easier to take or makes you feel any less responsible. Still hurts like hell to break off with someone that way. That is indeed rough buddy. And a half. Geez.

Lots of us - myself included - have been in relationships that were well past their sell-by date (for various different reasons, obv) and it's something that's really easy to fall into, so I really don't think that's something to be very hard on yourself for. It's natural and happens all the time without anyone intending to hurt anyone. Maybe you'll feel pretty shit for a while yet, but you can always come and talk to us.

I guess... If time passes and you find you're still having trouble shaking those guilty feelings of coulda/shoulda/woulda, then I would add some patented dumb Mongrel advice.

When a longtime relationship ends - even ones that end completely amicably - it's normal and healthy to re-evaluate the question everyone should ask themselves, "What do I want?" Especially after the initial shock has subsided enough that you can think about that relationship and what happened in it in a more clear way.

Not "What do I want?" in some stupid gaslight/paternal sense of "Oh you really want this or that just don't know it/are rationalizing/want to admit it/blah blah", just a bit of plain old personal reflection. Is there a level of commitment I want - or wish to avoid? Is it more about who I'm with rather than any specific commitment level? What am I looking for in my partners, be they permanent or casual? Can anything change any of those?

Maybe you don't have an answer to any of those and don't know - and that's okay too! Even knowing that you don't know or are unsure still tells you some things, still gives you some self-guidance. The idea being that whatever you come up with gets you thinking about your future rather than dwelling too much on what's past (while still learning something from it), giving you some direction to move on with.

Hopefully I'm not talking (too much) stupid nonsense. :B

But anyway, we got yer back, Friday.
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