Shittier Days

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Friday
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Friday » Wed Jan 11, 2017 10:53 pm

Thanks for the rough buddies kind words, they do mean something to me.

My feelings for Rachel and what I want in a mate have been on my mind a lot recently (obviously) and I keep asking myself why I didn't just marry her, considering I did love her and she was a great person.

Is there a level of commitment I want - or wish to avoid? Is it more about who I'm with rather than any specific commitment level? What am I looking for in my partners, be they permanent or casual? Can anything change any of those?


Yeah, I'm looking at all that. I've always been sort of proud of myself for having that shit all figured out, but since those rules led to this outcome, I'm reaaaaaaally not so keen on them right now.

But another part of me keeps saying "they're your rules for a reason, don't settle."

I mean, the perfect person for me is out there, somewhere, and there's probably even ten thousand or so that qualify as "perfect". But probability says I'm just not going to find one. So at what point do I just either bite the bullet and settle, or resign myself to getting seventeen cats?

That is massively frustrating and disappointing and there's really no other way it could've gone, her being as determined as she was to bowl over your wants and needs in favor of rubbing her ecstatic storybook true love happiness in the face of her family.


Yeah, there's a part of me that is really genuinely angry at her for doing it. I mean, mostly I just feel terrible for her. She really believes there's nobody else out there that will accept her for who she is, which is insane.

She'll get over me and find a great girl. She's a smoking hot 20-something lesbian whose worst fault is she's overly romantic.
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Thad
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Thad » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:40 am

I really only know one thing about relationships, and that's that you do the best you can.

It sounds like you did.

It sounds like she did too.

Can't really ask for more than that. Sorry it sucks. You'll get better and she will too. Good luck.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Thu Jan 12, 2017 1:00 am

Friday wrote:or resign myself to getting seventeen cats?


If it's any consolation, your taking on a cat lady menagerie would probably begin and end with wildlife larger and only only slightly less lethal than you and would involve you eventually being named in Sacramento papers as "Keela of the Woods" or something to that effect.
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Defenestration
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Defenestration » Thu Jan 12, 2017 3:45 am

That blows. I'm bad at this, but I hope you feel better soon, though I know you'll be fine eventually.
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Silversong
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Silversong » Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:53 am

Love you, Friday.

I've been on both sides of that story, they're both awful. Hope you've got someone close by who can be hugs and sounding board. If you ever need to rant or be given e-hugs, you know where to find me.

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Kayma
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Kayma » Thu Jan 12, 2017 3:37 pm

That sucks. I'm glad neither of you turned into the moon, though.

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François
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby François » Fri Jan 13, 2017 3:58 am

Friday wrote:My feelings for Rachel and what I want in a mate have been on my mind a lot recently (obviously) and I keep asking myself why I didn't just marry her, considering I did love her and she was a great person.


Two virtuous/reasonable people can have different, mutually exclusive virtuous/reasonable goals. It may be somewhat unclear to you how exactly your goals differed from hers, but considering the events that took place, it's pretty clear that they did differ, on a fundamental level. It's super healthy to examine them, and it's also super healthy to not want to commit and settle before examining them. As terrible as it feels right now, it would probably feel even more terrible if you figured it out while engaged in a type of relationship that is much harder to back out of.

And, well, I'm not gonna pretend I know about the people involved more than you do, but I still gotta say your ex's proposal scenario seems super manipulative to me. Maybe the actual reason you thought she wouldn't be "the one" was that on some level you had detected she might be the type of person to pull a trick like that. She may not have meant it in any sort of malicious machiavellian sense but it's still a tremendous dick move no matter which way you slice it. Besides, having accepted her proposal would have set a very unfortunate precedent, where she feels she can go against your explicit wishes if she puts you in an awkward enough position that you have little choice but to acquiesce. And that's definitely not healthy.

I mean, the perfect person for me is out there, somewhere, and there's probably even ten thousand or so that qualify as "perfect". But probability says I'm just not going to find one. So at what point do I just either bite the bullet and settle, or resign myself to getting seventeen cats?


No bullet biting is necessary. Find out what it is you want, find out what it is you're ready to trade for it, and above all, keep your eyes open. There are no guarantees either way but everything you do stacks the odds on one side or the other, ever so slightly.

I just am a selfish bitch and didn't want to.


I'm definitely getting "she's rad and I'm garbage, what's my problem" vibes from your demeanor right now; I kinda hope it goes without saying, but in case it doesn't: that's not true. You don't break off a relationship because you feel your partner isn't getting what they want, unless maybe there's some pathological emotional dependence going on. That's their job, that's their responsibility as a grown-ass adult. You clearly, honestly set your parameters, and by not breaking things off herself, she was signaling to you that she wanted to keep going anyway, and that was her decision to make. Heck, maybe she figured she could change your mind, and you went above and beyond the call of duty by giving her ample time to try.

On the other hand, if in fact she wasn't mature enough to recognize/accept that she wouldn't get what she wanted from your relationship, then she sure wasn't mature enough to marry.

Anyway. I know it's super tempting to find a bad guy to point fingers at, and since by now you're likely to be sorely missing all the good stuff about her, it's gonna be even more tempting to point fingers at yourself. But you know that doesn't help. What's done is done, if it turns out you've made any mistakes then now you know how to see the fuckers coming, and you can start turning all that sorrow into wisdom for next time. If you do find "the one" somewhere down the road, it just might have been good for you and Rachel to have met, to have spent time together, and to have changed the course of each other's lives, even with how things ended. Cripes, if nothing else, I hope she'll have learned that you don't pull the shit she pulled in real life. Jesus fuck.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Fri Jan 13, 2017 4:17 am

Friday, I keep thinking that while on one hand you questioned your own decision to turn Rachel down, you also knew pretty firmly you didn't want the relationship to go in that direction. So there's a bit of a conflict there - even if you're not sure what it is or why, there must have been something to give you pause and maybe trying to figure out what that something was will help you understand what happened better.

François wrote:[Good comments]


Eh, I wouldn't be too hard on Rachel about the proposal attempt. From Rachel's point of view, Friday's acceptance was probably necessary for the relationship to continue. Even though Friday had given Rachel fair warning, if Rachel saw that possibility as being just as bad as a breakup in the long-term then the decision to gamble on a proposal was her last best shot. A 10% chance of success is still better than 0% chance, you know?

That doesn't change what you're saying about it being manipulative - making it in front of her family and all the other aspects that would add pressure to accept - but she was following her only potential "out". I doubt there was any malice involved, just maybe some desperation.
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zaratustra
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby zaratustra » Fri Jan 13, 2017 7:23 am

Friday wrote:the rachel post


ok I probably was a bit too snarky on IRC yesterday and I want to apologize for that.

Don't beat yourself up too much for not wanting to marry someone. Marriage is fucking terrifying. It can be rewarding, yes, but the feeling of maybe I shouldn't have done this will haunt you every time bad things happen. And if that's not carefully managed, it ends on blame throwing and the couple making each other's lives hell.

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Friday
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Friday » Fri Jan 13, 2017 7:48 am

I can confirm that there was no malice involved, at least.

Thanks for the encouraging words, anyway, everyone.

ok I probably was a bit too snarky on IRC yesterday and I want to apologize for that.


I don't remember anything bad, so don't worry about it.
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Thad
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Thad » Fri Jan 13, 2017 12:05 pm

François wrote:I still gotta say your ex's proposal scenario seems super manipulative to me.


Taken on its own, sure.

Taken in the context of a young person who doesn't have a whole lot of experience with real-life romantic relationships but has been raised on a steady diet of media where the grand gesture in the third act is always the right move? It's a lot more understandable.

That doesn't make it the right thing to do. But as big mistakes go, I think it's a pretty sympathetic one.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Fri Jan 13, 2017 12:19 pm

I almost said "It was the smart move" before I caught myself and realized, no, no it wasn't; it was the stupid move. The smart move is to, you know, actually talk to your partner like an honest and responsible person.

But love's not known for its ability to make people act intelligent.
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Rico
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Rico » Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:24 pm

There's just a lot of differing culture about proposals. Some people are raised to/want it to be a "surprise", some people want everything to be all worked out before the question, some people think there's certain relationship stuff you just don't even bother to work out until you're engaged. I mean, there is a "smart" and "stupid" way to do it logically but the entire marriage construct is an evolved cultural thing.

(Sorry, Friday. I know I haven't interacted with you in years, but you always seemed like a rad lady. It doesn't sound like there was a right or wrong here, just a difference. :comforting_emoji:)

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Caithness
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Caithness » Thu Apr 27, 2017 5:22 pm

I just found out that my MAGA cousin shot himself last night. He just got married (without telling his parents) so his girlfriend could join the LDS church. I feel bad about the fact that my first reaction was almost more anger than sorrow.

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Büge
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Büge » Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:01 pm

Sorry, Caithness. :(

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Brentai
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Brentai » Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:41 pm

There's nothing to feel bad about.

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Mongrel
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mongrel » Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:02 pm

That just plain sucks Caith. Sorry to hear it.
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Caithness
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Caithness » Thu Apr 27, 2017 11:09 pm

Thanks guys. After posting that my guilt about making it all about me allowed me to finally let out some tears, and I feel a bit better now.

Oh, spending the afternoon at our grandma's house with a lot of extended family probably also helped.

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Mothra
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Mothra » Thu Apr 27, 2017 11:39 pm

That is fucked. Sorry man.

It's impossible to know what someone is thinking when they decide to take their own life. Everyone I've known that's gone through the experience of having a relative or friend commit suicide has ended up looking at it from every conceivable angle, and come away with the same answer - "We'll never know why"

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Newbie
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Re: Shittier Days

Postby Newbie » Thu Apr 27, 2017 11:59 pm

That's fucked up, and I'm sorry.

Also sorry that I'm a pretty haphazard friend who only checks this thread on an annual basis. I may not interact with hardly any of you with any sort of regularity, but y'all are major guiding lights in the constellation of my life, and whatever disagreements or issues we've had, I want every one of you to achieve every bit of the success and happiness that purport to experience every day.
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