Nobody likes shy people

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Spram
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Nobody likes shy people

Postby Spram » Sat Aug 08, 2015 1:11 am

So. For the last 4 weeks I've gone back to work as a freelancer making terrains for a mobile RTS game (it's that stuff that you can see under all the building, units, rubble and explosions. Basically the game artist equivalent of playing a tree in the school play) and it's all good but I feel sad.

I can't talk to people. I mean, I can ask them questions about what I need to do and other work related stuff, even if it takes some courage. But I can't chit-chat. I think a lot of people think of me as an asshole who doesn't talk. There's lunch but I wait for everyone to finish because I get nervous.

There's a guy who last time (prev winter) tried talking to me and I don't know what I said, I swear I was trying to be nice, he just stopped talking to me and every time he looks at me he makes a horrible bitch face as if he hated me for some reason. What did I do? Does my discomfort show through? Do they assume I want to be left alone (I do but not really)? It's worse when you see that these people pretty much like the same shit that I do. I always thought I was shit socially because I was a nerd but these guys are even bigger nerds and they're... normal, unlike me.

I'm losing what little zest for life I had. I've always been socially worthless like this, since I can remember. My mind goes blank when people talk to me. Nobody thinks this is normal and I'm just an asshole. I'm too old to find friends or find a partner (and nothing is more unattractive than an awkward shy man).

I'll probably be done soon so at least it will be over. I feel like I don't belong there. This whole thing comes out as a pathetic plea for pity and I feel like erasing it but I already wrote it.

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Mothra
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Mothra » Sat Aug 08, 2015 1:38 am

Usually my work lunch conversations go like this:

Approach person at table, eye contact, "Hey," they always say "hey" back, "okay if I sit here?", they say yes. If they say no, just be like, "I feel like I did something to weird you out. Sorry if I did - I really didn't mean to."

Then, if there's a conversation going, I listen, and add something ONLY if it adds to the conversation, like if it's interesting or funny. If there's no conversation, it's on you to say something conversation-worthy to get the ball rolling. This can be anything, so long as it's not sad or unpleasant or 'threatening'. You could talk about what you did over the weekend, or what you plan to do, or some movie you say, or a game you played. Whatever YOU enjoy hearing about should be what you should try talking about.

It's honestly just a matter of figuring out what they like to talk about, and engaging then in a conversation about that. Also, encourage their mediocre jokes. It's more about rewarding social risks than it is about enjoying the conversation in the early stages. You don't want to ever punish them for being real with you, unless they're being offensive.

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Classic
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Classic » Sat Aug 08, 2015 2:52 am

This is a dumb question, but you know how people will practice speeches in a mirror? It's not (just) to review what they want to say it's to get over the anxiety.

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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Joxam » Sat Aug 08, 2015 4:25 pm

Hi, I know you don't believe me, but literally everyone thinks this is normal and no one thinks you're unattractive because you're a 'shy man'. I don't want you to take this the wrong way and I AM trying to help but that is EXACTLY the argument that fedora wearers use about 'nice guys finish last' bullshit. You might be shit at conversation, but conversation, especially at work, is just a means to get by.

The biggest thing you, and quite frankly a lot of shy people, need to learn is how to size up a room. Even if that room only has one person in it. Especially if that room has only one person in it. The one on one conversation or just any type of one on one interaction is hard for A LOT of people. As a matter of fact, striking up conversation with the ONE person in a room is almost always ALWAYS the wrong thing to do but at the same time it also almost always feels like the only option. Its why I'd actually say picking a quiet corner in a busy lunch room is a lot better option than being the only person in a dead lunch room. You can walk into a busy lunch room with a non-confrontational but 'leave me alone' look on your face, site at a quiet table and just eat your food and play with your phone for the break and no one will bother you.

Also you have no idea if what you said to that dude is the reason he is upset, seemingly, all the time, and seemingly specifically at you. Maybe he hates his job, maybe he resents you because of your job, maybe he does hate you specifically because of one conversation you had with him; none of that is your fault. Really, none of it. Even if you said something that made him dislike you that's still not your fault. You have no control over anyone else and you've got to let that shit go.
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Spram
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Spram » Thu Aug 13, 2015 1:57 am

Classic wrote:This is a dumb question, but you know how people will practice speeches in a mirror? It's not (just) to review what they want to say it's to get over the anxiety.


I hate my voice and I hate my reflection. The two together are too much to bear.

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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Classic » Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:09 am

It's about the only suggestion I have that doesn't involve getting help from someone else. The other posters are dishing grade-A Advice but they're both predicated on the idea that you've already developed the coping skills to enact those strategies.
If you can't use the time to learn to like yourself, try to use it to at least habituate to yourself. If your self-image is that catastrophically poor, interacting with people must be really stressful.

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Mothra
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Mothra » Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:20 am

Yeah, agreeing with Canon here. You need to get to a point where you like yourself and are comfortable in your own skin. Nobody's going to really like you until you like yourself.

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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Classic » Thu Aug 13, 2015 12:31 pm

I don't know that this is true:
Mothra wrote:Nobody's going to really like you until you like yourself.

But at best it predisposes you for failure. You don't even have to like your image or voice. You just gotta habituate yourself to them to the point that you're willing to do what it takes to invite people to talk about themselves and their interests at you.

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Mothra
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Mothra » Thu Aug 13, 2015 1:23 pm

You have to be able to talk about your interests without thinking your interests are stupid and uninteresting. I'd put that under you liking yourself enough to think you're worth listening to.

If you think your interests are dumb, well, that's something you have to figure out, because nobody's going to care if you can't garner up the enthusiasm yourself for what you like.

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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Spram » Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:23 pm

Well. I don't want to create a new thread for something that happened today. I will just copy and paste the post that I posted in reddit's Miami subforum:

So I was in Sunset Place's parking garage, leaving when two lanes turned into one and I had to let someone else go (because I'm not an uncivilized asshole) first and TWO people went! Not unusual in this city.. so I go before the third one (the drug dealer(?)) tries to go.

He seemed upset, honking his horn all the way down until we get to the paying booths and stops next to me and starts telling something something I didn't pay attention but I think he told me to "cuidado" and "comer pinga" or something.

How did he know I speak Spanish? Maybe he doesn't speak English.. which is weird because I would expect someone who drives a fucking LEXUS to be able to at least speak English in an American city. This guy looked 20-something, didn't speak English (I assume), had the worst fucking accent and drove a motherfucking LEXUS.

I told him "No me mates!" twice and he drove away and got stuck trying to operate the automatic ticket booth which he might not even know how to use.

So I don't know. Did I dodge a bullet? He did tell me to have "cuidado" when I "comer pinga" which I guess is Spanish for waiting for my turn. Is he a dangerous drug dealer? Should I fear for my life?


I'm so fucking pissed. Good thing this shit doesn't happen everyday because I'm still fucking pissed.. mostly because I didn't get to ask him where he got his money to buy a Lexus... and here I am driving a 8 year old Honda Civic and being a decent human being. Fuck me.

translations:

    cuidado - (be) careful
    comer pinga - eating/sucking cock
    No me mates - Don't kill me

As for my shyness... I think this episode of dealing with an otherworldly asshole has made me realize why I don't like talking to people: Most people are shit. I know I'm not very clear, but when two lanes turn into one (inside a parking garage, in a T-shaped intersection.. I suck at explaining, I could draw it but I don't want to), one person lets one pass and then the next lets the other pass. It's not a law (I think) but it's common courtesy. Something similar happened to me in Puerto Rico and the guy who did it to me was a guy from a year above me in my school. A blonde Puerto Rican with green eyes who was a fucking narcissist... and one of the most popular guys in the school, had the hottest girlfriend.. of course. This was a Catholic school so you think assholes wouldn't be loved but he was fucking loved and the funny thing is that deep down, people knew he was not a good person, maybe they didn't understand but they knew he was capable of doing bad things. This type of asshole is the one everyone loves, the type that wins because he's an asshole. People like me don't even exist until I "fuck up" by doing things right. Seriously.

What I meant is... I don't want to talk to people. People are mostly shit and I'm miserable. I'm depressed and unwilling to pretend to be otherwise. I'm shy and I'm not going to apologize. I always lose because I don't cheat. I think the problem is that I was raised by two goody-doody extremely Catholic parents who teached me to be too fucking nice (to everyone but myself of course) and I can't help being too nice. So people think I'm a fucking idiot, which I am!

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Mothra
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Mothra » Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:16 pm

Dude, most people are not shit, in my experience. That said, I will say that every person I've met who has come from Miami has been a huge, fucked-up asshole, or raging drug addict, or both. That's only about five people, mind you, but it hasn't done wonders for my opinion of that city. I should also note that I met all of these people at a job where everyone was dirt poor all the time.

I dunno man. Having a stranger yell at you for a stupid reason always sucks, and leaves you feeling wound-up and pissed-off. That's normal.

But most people are not that guy.

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Spram
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Re: Nobody likes shy people

Postby Spram » Fri Aug 14, 2015 12:32 am

Thanks Mothra.

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