The Shittiest Watercooler/Campfire/TED Stage Ever

[Mongrel]

Well that answers that!

[Brantly B.]

I've adopted a habit of getting down on one knee if somebody is actually short enough that I can't just talk down at them, which yeah looks a little bit like I'm about to marry somebody but as far as I can tell is less irritating than the hunching maneuver. I guess it's harder to get mad at somebody who changes their entire posture to accommodate you than it is someone who looks like they're about to receive a snap.

[Mongrel]

Well, when I squat it's a pretty comfortable position and I'm basically almost sitting. So I don't think I would have looked awkward, but that's not really the question.

It's really an interesting sort of etiquette quandary.

[Wheels]

don't check this box if you want to save your credit card info

I mean that kind of setup is why it happens so often. It is shady to not have a "Save this credit card information for repeated use? [Y/N]" pop-up, we know how normal people go tech blind when dealing with these systems. Not to say support wouldn't get just as many calls, just that they'd be from dumber people. (Yay)

Actually, there were several different types of attention grabbers that were tried on the PS4's version of the store interface. One of them I'm pretty sure was a literal popup saying that. It had no visible effect, as far as I can tell. Consumers are pretty thoroughly trained to ignore warning notices in specific places, I figure.

Second, the fact that a credit card could be saved to the child's account at all means that they lied about their age creating it which technically gives me grounds to ban it anyway according to the clause in the terms of service under the account management section requiring all information given to be truthful. (Don't worry, I only actually did this once) You see, creating an account with a birthdate under the age of 18 prompts you to tie it to an adult's PSN account, making it a subaccount tied to the adult's master account. This is very poorly communicated in the interface, leading most under-18s to try birthdays at random until it works. And if they do understand, the absolute last thing most parents want to do is to touch the console to actually use the management options of a master account.

By the way, one thing that you absolutely, positively, must and I mean MUST know to recover your account if it's stolen or locked due to suspicion is the birthdate. Yes, this causes exactly the sort of problem that you think. And no, SCEA corporate doesn't care.

[mharr]

According to MMO etiquette, short races tend to spend most of their social time standing on tables and bars, or in extreme cases will have the power of flight, allowing them to hover at eye level. Clearly the simplest solution to this dilemma is jetpacks.

[Wheels]

The day? November 15, 2013. The North American PS4 release. The mood at work? Anxiety, extreme busy-ness. Tier One had a specialized set of people trained in the PS4's operation that were in some ways better prepared than us, just due to general exposure of how the thing worked due to number of calls taken at the time. We in Tier Two got the same training mind you, but we only had our two PS4s to poke at general functionality and usage for the last week, right before the Taco Bell contest winners got theirs. That, and they had a few people from SCEA patrolling the floor that were a part of the American branch that QAed the hardware and firmware for english release, as well as a few proper suits just in case something needed to be communicated back for lightspeed hotfixes. (Sounds like they cared more than normal? They did. Sony had a lot riding on this launch AND it was launching in NA before any other market. If something was going to go wrong, they wouldn't know about it until now.)

So, there were a couple of exceptions but even accounting for the generally lower overall competence on Tier One, they didn't really need us. There was the usual workload of administrative stuff, but without it being interrupted by calls from Tier One's usual flow of questions they should already know ("Excuse me, we just paired one controller I forgot how to do the second one." "Did you try doing the same thing again?" "No, plugging it in and hitting the PS button only works for the first one right?" [wrong]) Except for one thing, you know. The usual escalations.
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This gentleman was lucky enough to get a Playstation 4 on launch day in a major urban center. He had a perceived problem though. There was a huge dent in the center of the box. As in the geographic center of the top of the box. Policy would normally state that he should return it to the retailer for a replacement, which was rightly told to him by the Tier One agent. Considering the situation of there not being any more PS4s in his vicinity for an unknowable amount of time, he escalated which is where I came in. My sympathy for the situation was quick to evaporate, however.

<me> Yeah, that's pretty rough that it was the only one left. What's the exact state of your console? How bad is the exterior physical damage?
<entitled> I told you, there's a large dent in the center of the box, enough to rip the cardboard.
<me> No, not the box. Is there exterior physical damage to the plastic shell of the console?
<entitled> I haven't opened the box yet, obviously. Why in the world would I do that?
<me> ... Because it could be perfectly fine rendering this entire conversation moot?
<entitled> Why should I be willing to take that chance! It could be months before I have the opportunity to restock it at the store I got it.
<me> You know, the whole reason there's so much empty space in boxes for electronics like this is specifically to make sure they aren't damaged easily. I'm pretty sure the dent is nothing but empty space if you haven't even opened it yet.
<entitled> PRETTY sure, but not definately!
<me> Hey, why don't we just open the box and let's see what state your console is in?
<entitled> OH NO. As soon as I break the seal on it it's no longer new and you'll probably try to do something like say "well now you *have* to go back to the store"
<me> Actually, considering the circumstance I don't mind pulling a few strings to be able to get you a replacement through our service process.
<entitled> How is THAT supposed to be acceptable?! I'm an early adopter and you're going to send me a *used* console through your service process!
<me> ... sir, this is launch day. There's no such *thing* as a used PS4. The console you'll be getting will have been set aside for this specific purpose, something going wrong to someone's Playstation 4 on launch day. I may even be able to do two day return shipping.
<entitled> Set aside? So it's fresh in the box and everything?
<me> Not the retail packaging, no. It would be just the console, or whatever part is broken. *If it is even broken at all.*
<entitled> How is that supposed to be new then?! Don't you hear you contradicting yourself?
<me> ...No, because I'm not. It would be a new, never turned on, never touched by human hands console, just not in a retail box.
<entitled> So, I'll tell you what. Before I open the box, I want a guarantee from you.
<me> Uh...
<entitled> I will only open this box *IF* you promise me that... 1, you will give me a brand new, retail packaging Playstation 4, and 2,
<me> (interrupting, now irritated) I'm not going to promise that.
<entitled> WHAT!? How's that for customer service, you're going to break your promise before I even finish listing what I want?! Maybe I SHOULD just return it and get an XBox One!
<me> First, I never agreed to anything just now. Second, I have already offered you several accommodations. Considering this is a completely hypothetical scenario, I'd say I'm being more than reasonable. Third, go ahead, return it. The PS4 is probably perfectly fine, and I'm sure the person that will be literally right behind you to purchase the sealed PS4 you're returning would be happy to take the brand new console with no issues. Fourth, you'll need to wait a week to get a Xbox One, right?
<entitled> (sputters nonsense briefly)
<me> I see.
<me> From this point, I'm done dealing in the rhetorical. The only way this problem is getting resolved is if we see what is definitive. Please open the box. I'll wait.
<entitled> NO!
<me> Then it appears that you do not have a Playstation product I can assist you with, sir.
<entitled> FUCK YOU! *click*

I was quick to turn around and tell my colleagues about it. Laughs were had at <entitled>'s expense. In the middle of a round of such laughter, a friend of mine we'll call <M> got a call partway through me telling the story was now seeking my attention. "Hey, the story you were just telling about that idiot. Was it a dude named <entitled's first and last name>?" "You're fuckin' shitting me." "Nope, apparently not. Want me to transfer the agent to you?" "You're goddamned right I do."

You see, our position as "supervisors" enabled us a bit more autonomy than the normal Tier One agent. If someone was a humongous asshole or just completely irrational, nobody would really blink if we were a bit more forceful back. Or even just a twinge trolly. As long as you were still professional, you could be a dick to the deserving within reason.
As such, I'm more than happy to take the call from the Tier One agent that's a bit confused at the transfer, and greet an old friend. He just told me to fuck off, which grants me a bit more freedom on that contextual scale.

<me> This is Defenestration, a supervisor for Sony Computer Entertainment of America. How can I help you?
<entitled> What the hell? Are you the same guy from before?
<me> Yes, we just spoke a few minutes ago. Did you open the box yet?
<entitled> WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You have to listen to my explanation of what happened!
<me> Okay, what changed?
<entitled> Well. Nothing really, I guess.
<me> Then why would my answer change?
<entitled> *starts sputtering nonsense again*
<me> If there's new information, I'd be happy to hear it. If not, let's get some new information. Pop open that box, let's see what's in it.
<entitled> but... I... don't.. this... YOUCAN'TTREATMELIKETHISFUCKYOU *click*

I laugh, which is immediately echoed by the people around me. Fifteen minutes later, he calls back and escalates. The agent apparently was told by <entitled> to get any supervisor that wasn't me. My friend <A> got the call. She promised the agent that she would take it, and then put it on hold as soon as the agent put it through and gleefully offered the transfer to me. I always liked <A>.

<me> This is Defenestration, a supervisor for Sony Computer Entertainment of America. Did you open it yet?
<entitled> HOW THE FUCK!
<me> I'm sorry, what was that? I didn't catch it.
<entitled> I specifically asked to not get you! Isn't there anyone else there?
<me> Yes, there is.
<entitled> Then transfer me to them. NOW!
<me> No.
<entitled> What?
<me> No, I will not.
<entitled> But you have to! I'll get you fired for not doing your job!
<me> Sir, my job is to make sure that our products fulfill their purpose, and offer accommodations to get them back into a working state if not. I have the ability to fix your problem. I am not required to transfer you to anyone else unless I can't do that. Even *if* you do have a problem, I know I can fix it. So please, open the box and let's see if it's fine or not.
<entitled> But you're not doing what I want! I need to talk to someone else!
<me> No, I'm doing what you *need.* I've made sure that all escalations that you make will be routed through to me. I'll be the one to make sure that solves your problem.
<entitled> Then I'll call back and won't ask for a supervisor!
<me> Then you'll only talk to people that will tell you to take it back to the store.
<entitled> This isn't customer service! This isn't fair!
<me> No, it is. I'm offering you the quickest possible way to get playing Killzone today. As I said before, I am no longer dealing in hypotheticals. You could probably have been gaming 30 minutes ago if you just opened the box, so why don't we open it and just see?
<entitled> *click*

To my knowledge, he never called back. I checked every week or so for a few months.

[Caithness]

Sounds to me like he was more interested in selling the thing at a profit than playing it.

[Büge]

That occurred to me too. Can't say it's mint-in-box if the box isn't mint!

[Wheels]

I'm surprised that I never thought of that before. You're probably right.

[zaratustra]

Well, when I squat it's a pretty comfortable position and I'm basically almost sitting. So I don't think I would have looked awkward, but that's not really the question.

It's really an interesting sort of etiquette quandary.

other tricks:

- folding at the hip until you're at the person's level, VERY intimidating for kids
- that thing will smith did to carlton in fresh prince where he looks at where carlton's eyes would be if he wasn't half a foot shorter

[Wheels]

So, everything in my life started disintegrating there for a bit so I was very distracted. And now, much poorer. But I still got more than a few stories at least.
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An uncommon but one of my personal favorite tasks as Tier 2 was to handle the processing of accounts that were banned due to their Online ID (aka Sony's Gamertag/handle/username equivalent). At the time if someone was reported for an offensive OID then they would have their account be banned, but it was easily reversed with a call to the SCEA tech support line (us!). While the fact that there was literally no filters in OID creation was stupid, this process was rather smart. You see, we would not unban an account unless we could get the caller to tell us a new OID that was both 1. available, 2. not imitating SCEA personel or admins, and 3. unoffensive. As you could imagine, the last one was the sticking point for most people.

And frankly, forcing people to talk to a semi-saavy human being to pass off their next OID was rather smart. Because I'll be damned if every single goddamn OID ban didn't try to get something by our noses. (no, I'm sorry, I will not change the account banned for being named HangSomeBlacks to C00N-PATROL, and no I don't believe that you're an animal control worker that deals with raccoons). This is why, by the way, Tier 2 used to have access to Urban Dictionary as a work tool.

There was also the folks that reported themselves when they realized that the only way to change an OID is via this process. But man, everyone was ALWAYS mad about the bits where they're going to lose all online progress in games. See, all third and even some first and second party servers tracked progress based on OID. So when you log back in, you're not going to be Prestige 6 anymore Jack.

But anyway as it always seems to in that job, there was one particular person that sticks out in my memory.
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So, I get a call from the owner of the online account "nukePalestine" and sigh. Because... well. I can see that it's not the first time this week he's called back. You see, the last three times all my co-workers refused to change to any of his suggestions.

<troll> Okay, I got a few more to run by you.
<me> Alright. Just remember what was said before. We're not going to do any obvious racist, sexual...
<troll> Yeah yeah yeah, I know brother, we gotta appease those fuckin' oversensitive cuntwaffles. I know you're with me.
<me> ... *ahem*
<troll> How about "PeterFile." (This particular guy refused to pronounce his attempts, spelling them character by character)
<me> No.
<troll> But you can see my name is Peter!
<me> It sounds like "pedophile" aloud.
<troll> alright, you got me. How about "BurnIsrael"?
<me> Nope.
<troll> "NapalmIsrael"?
<me> No, that's the same thing.
<troll> What do you mean, they have those trees there.
<me> Napalm is a firebomb. It's still obviously racist.
<troll> Oh come on, Israel is the name of a country. There's tons of different kinds of people that live in whole countries.
<me> Israel is a specifically Jewish one.
<troll> Oh, I get it. It's all the kikes you work for, right? No problem, how about "Beanermancer"
<me> Still racist.
<troll> "SuckOnHuevos"
<me> "Huevos" is slang for Rocky Mountain Oysters
<troll> "DuckButter"
<me> You know I am checking these on Urban Dictionary, right?
<troll> Maaaaaaaan, really? You're making this hard bro. How am I supposed to have any fun pissing off people if you have to shoot down everything?
<me> (quite sick of the call and the caller perceiving me to be a kindred soul for some reason) Okay, look. You surely do that in other ways besides your Online ID, right?
<troll> Yeah, of course. Have to go all out man!
<me> How about if it was a challenge? "UnmuteMeCoward" is available.
<troll> Oooooooooooooooooooooo man! That... I could work with that! You're the best, boss!

Yes, I know, I really shouldn't have. But frankly, he was going to be back no matter what, and I had other things to do that day.