Reading this Undertale LP fills you with determination.

[nosimpleway]

: THIS IS YOUR FINAL AND MOST DANGEROUS CHALLENGE! BEHOLD! THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!



: WHEN I SAY THE WORD, IT WILL FULLY ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE! SPIKES WILL SWING! BLADES WILL SLICE! EACH PART WILL SWING VIOLENTLY UP AND DOWN! ONLY THE TINIEST CHANCE OF VICTORY WILL REMAIN!!! ARE YOU READY!?
BECAUSE!
I!
AM!
ABOUT!
TO DO IT!

And then... nothing happens.

: well? what's the holdup?

: HOLDUP!? WHAT HOLDUP!? I'M... I'M ABOUT TO ACTIVATE IT NOW!

And then... nothing happens.

: that, uh, doesn't look very activated.

: WELL!!! THIS CHALLENGE!!! IT SEEMS... MAYBE... TOO EASY TO DEFEAT THE HUMAN WITH. YEAH! WE CAN'T USE THIS ONE!!! I AM A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS!!! MY PUZZLES ARE VERY FAIR! AND MY TRAPS ARE EXPERTLY COOKED! BUT THIS METHOD IS TOO DIRECT! NO CLASS AT ALL! AWAY IT GOES!

Papyrus, you big softie. You're just enjoying this.

: PHEW! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!? THIS WAS ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS!! NYEH!! HEH!! ... HEH???

Caps lock break.

: i don't know what my brother's going to do now. if i were you, i would make sure i understand blue attacks.


Next time: Snowdin Town!

[nosimpleway]

Music: Shop


Let us start at the general store, staffed by a friendly rabbit-lady. As the menu provides, we can buy some gear upgrades and healing items, sell her our now-useless equipment, or chat about stuff. Talk first!

: Hiya! Welcome to Snowdin! I can't remember the last time I saw a fresh face around here. Where did you come from? The capital? You don't look like a tourist. Are you here by yourself?

Yeah, it's kind of a long story. What's there to do around here?

: You want to know what to do here in Snowdin? Grillby's has food, and the library has information... If you're tired, you can take a nap at the inn. It's right next door -- my sister runs it. And if you're bored, you can sit outside and watch those wacky skeletons do their thing. There's two of 'em... brothers, I think. They just showed up one day and... ...asserted themselves. The town has gotten a lot more interesting since then.

That sounds... kinda dull. I've been dealing with those two all the way here, in fact. What led you guys to settle in this area, anyway?

: Think back to your history class... A long time ago, monsters lived in the RUINS back there in the forest. Long story short, we all decided to leave the ruins and head for the end of the caverns. Along the way, some fuzzy folk decided they liked the cold and set up camp in Snowdin. Oh, and don't think about exploring the RUINS... The door's been locked for ages. So unless you're a ghost or can burrow under the door, forget about it.

Actually, I know a bloke -- sorry, a blook -- who goes in and out sometimes when he wants to be alone. Which is strange, now that I think about it, since there are a ton of monsters in there. Froggits and Whimsuns, mostly, but some other guys too.

Just... one less matronly goat-person.

Excuse me, sorry, never mind. How's stuff?

: Life is the same as usual. A little claustrophobic... But... we all know deep down that freedom is coming, don't we? As long as we got that hope, we can grit our teeth and face the same struggles, day after day... That's life, ain't it?

Sure, sure. Anyway, I'll take this manly bandana, the one with the abs stitched into it. I think it goes pretty well with my glove, here. Will you buy my old toy knife, stick, or bandage?

: Huh? Sell somethin'? Does this look like a pawn shop? I don't know how it works where you come from... but... If I started spending money on old branches and used bandages, I'd be out of business in a jiffy!

Oh. That... makes sense, honestly. Guess I'll just throw them away, then.

So, on to the town proper. That's different Music:Snowdin Town


Yeah, I'll take a room. I've been trudging through the snow for what seems like forever and I'm tired.




Oh, you.

Here the innkeeper refunds your money, since you spent so little time in the room. I've since discovered that if you don't have the fee in the first place, she frets about what hardships you must have faced and lets you sleep anyway -- then is surprised at how short a time you spent to nap.

The tiny bun on the right lets you know that sleeping can bring your HP above its normal maximum. Since every save point is a full HP restore, that makes sleeping actually a useful function. It's only 2 HP above my current max, though, so it's not like it's worth coming back a lot.


You're an anthro rabbit, walking a non-anthro rabbit, named Cinnamon, making it a Cinnamon Bun-ny, like the pastries sold at the general store over there.

The other rabbit, whose head is cut off by the text box in this shot, comments on the many layers of wrongness to be had.

The bear comments on how a local monster is tormented by teenagers who decorate its horns, so the locals gave it gifts, starting a tradition of putting presents under decorated trees.


A Bear: But if there's ever a problem, a skeleton will tell a fish lady about it. Thaaaaaat's politics!


Oh. Oh! Hey, everybody! I've met like half of you guys already.

Let's see... I'll save on screenshots and just do a quick summary. Lesser Dog, up in the corner, is playing poker against himself (and losing). Greater Dog makes faces without saying anything. Doggo is considering taking up a spiked collar as a fashion accessory to really make a statement -- like "please put a leash on me and take me for a walk". Dogaressa warns you to be careful where you sit -- because Greater Dog will climb into your lap for cuddles. Dogamy gripes that the skeletons never give the dog guards any respect, wishing they'd throw him a bone once in a while. He loves bones.

The giant maw on the right muses on the differences between human food and monster food. Namely, that human food has to actually be digested for any benefit, and does weird things like "spoil". Sure enough, all the monster food I find in the game is good forever.

Fish guy on the left at the bar is the one who put out the literal line for a date -- he set up the fishing pole with his phone number on it that we found back in the woods. Fish guy on the left describes Undyne, the captain of the Royal Guard we've heard some stuff about before. She's rude, loud, and beats up everybody who gets in her way; no wonder all the kids want to be just like her!

Grillbz himself, behind the bar, would offer you a glass of water, but he never touches the stuff.

[nosimpleway]

The mouse on the left tries to put on a brave face, but isn't very funny. The horned creature on the right is more optimistic.


Not far away, a wolf throws giant chunks of ice into the water. I... have yet to figure out why that is.




Huh, so it is.

The yellow creature at the table to the left loves working on the newspaper, because there's so little news it's just a chance to make a bunch of silly comics and games. The greenish lady to the right is, in fact, the greatest word-search-maker in the entire Underground! The red person with one eye has us pegged as someone who has trouble with crosswords.

There are six bookshelves in the library. Picking up a book from each, at random, and reading a little excerpt results in INFODUMP TIME:

Red shelf: (It's a school report about monster funerals.) Monster funerals, technically speaking, are cool as heck. When monsters get old and kick the bucket, they turn into dust. AT funerals, we take that dust and spread it on that person's favorite thing. Then their essence will live on in that thing... Uhhh, am I at the page minimum yet? I'm kinda sick of writing this.

Blue shelf: While monsters are mostly made of magic, human beings are mostly made of water. Humans, with their physical forms, are far stronger than us. But they will never know the joy of expressing themselves through magic. They'll never get a bullet-pattern birthday card...

Yellow shelf: (Here I am... writing this book.) (A person comes in and picks up the book...) (They start reading it...!)
Yellow lady on the left: Oh, sorry. I'm still writing that one.

Orange shelf: Because they are made of magic, monsters' bodies are attuned to their SOUL. If a monster doesn't want to fight, its defenses will weaken. And the crueller the intentions of our enemies, the more their attacks will hurt us. Therefore, if a being with a powerful SOUL struck with the desire to kill... Um, let's end the chapter here...

Does that mean Toriel dropped her guard because she didn't want to fight? But... I didn't want to kill her... and really that just makes things worse. :(

Light green shelf: MONSTER HISTORY PART 4
Fearing the humans no longer, we moved out of our old city, HOME. We braved harsh cold, damp swampland, and searing heat... Until we reached what we now call our capital. "NEW HOME." Again, our King is really bad at names...?

Dark green shelf: Love, hope, compassion... This is what people say monster SOULs are made of. But the absolute nature of the "SOUL" is unknown. After all, humans have proven their SOULs don't need these things to exist.

Okay, got all that? A lot of it's actually important later. There may be a quiz.


And finally, a house that can only be Papyrus' and Sans'. It's locked, of course, as is the shed nearby.

[nosimpleway]

I've gone back and put in links to the music for the parts of the game up until Home, from the intro onward. Enjoy the soundtrack! It is super good.

Next time: Fighting a skeleton!

[Mothra]

Aghh this looks awesome, but I can't spoil anything for myself.

I gotta catch up so I can get back on this LOVE TRAIN.

[nosimpleway]

Okay, that's three. Anybody reading this who isn't going to be spoiled by further progress?

[Grath]

Okay, that's three. Anybody reading this who isn't going to be spoiled by further progress?

I don't care and I'm just reading this.

[Newbie]

I can confirm that I've finished a neutral playthrough, I'm working on a pacifist run now & I've already spoiled myself on the details of genocide runs. Play away.

[Romosome]

A dog is enjoying reading this.

[beatbandito]

You so far have been the closest to my first time through as any other LP I've seen. By which I mean you actually use check and recognize when you're getting s positive reaction from pacifism.

This game is really hard to talk about with other people even if they've beaten it. Seeing someone else's reactions is the best way to appreciate it, and I appreciate this LP.

[François]

I realized I have a ridiculous backlog already, not to mention [INSERT INCOMING PROJECT HERE], so in the end I decided to just keep on reading. Thumbs up!

[nosimpleway]

ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME COMPLEX FEELINGS. FEELINGS LIKE... THE JOY OF FINDING ANOTHER PASTA LOVER. THE ADMIRATION FOR ANOTHER'S PUZZLE-SOLVING SKILLS. THE DESIRE TO HAVE A COOL, SMART PERSON THINK YOU ARE COOL. THESE FEELINGS... THEY MUST BE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW!!! I CAN HARDLY IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO FEEL THAT WAY. AFTER ALL, I AM VERY GREAT. I DON'T EVER WONDER WHAT HAVING LOTS OF FRIENDS IS LIKE. I PITY YOU... LONELY HUMAN... WORRY NOT!!! YOU SHALL BE LONELY NO LONGER! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL BE YOUR...

...

NO...

NO, THIS IS ALL WRONG! I CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND!!! YOU ARE A HUMAN! I MUST CAPTURE YOU!!! THEN, I CAN FULFILL MY LIFELONG DREAM!!! POWERFUL! POPULAR! PRESTIGIOUS!!! THAT'S PAPYRUS!!! THE NEWEST MEMBER... OF THE ROYAL GUARD!


Oh dear!

Music: Nyeh Heh Heh!


Papyrus talks a big game, but his attacks are easy to avoid. They just slide along the bottom of the window! You don't even have to move to avoid them.


Talking trash doesn't seem to do much, but if you flirt with him...

: W-WELL! I'M A SKELETON WITH VERY HIGH STANDARDS!!!

You have the choice to respond "I can make spaghetti" or "I have zero redeeming qualities". I go for the latter. He's pretty egotistical, after all.

: OH NO!!! THAT HUMILITY... IT REMINDS ME OF... MYSELF!!! YOU'RE MEETING ALL MY STANDARDS!!! LET'S DATE LATER!! AFTER I CAPTURE YOU!

At this point he stops "Nyeh heh heh"ing to himself and starts thinking about what to wear on his date, between rounds of attacks that... still harmlessly pass beneath the SOUL.


It starts with Bone Cologne, then proceeds to MTT-brand Anime Powder, to MTT-brand Cute Juice, to MTT-brand Attraction Slime, to MTT-brand Beauty Yogurt, to marinara sauce... and eventually Papyrus comes to the startling realization that he doesn't have ears to dab things behind.


Okay, fine. It's not like I've had to move to dodge any of your other attacks yet--

Music: Bonetrousle


Waah! An interface screw! Papyrus's blue attack turns the SOUL blue, making it subject to gravity.


Now you have to jump over the bones that slide across the bottom of the box, with the addition of a few that slide across the top. It's vaguely Flappy-Bird-esque. All the while, he muses to himself:

: I CAN ALMOST TASTE MY FUTURE POPULARITY!

:PAPYRUS: HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD!

: PAPYRUS: UNPARALLELED SPAGHETTORE!

: UNDYNE WILL BE REALLY PROUD OF ME!!

: THE KING WILL TRIM A HEDGE IN THE SHAPE OF MY SMILE!!!

: MY BROTHER WILL... WELL, HE WON'T CHANGE VERY MUCH. I'LL HAVE LOTS OF ADMIRERS!! BUT...

: WILL ANYONE LIKE ME AS SINCERELY AS YOU?


There's nothing to this fight than to just keep dodging, while Papyrus talks a big game about his upcoming special attack. Eventually he unleashes it, and...!


Ha ha! A little dog stole the bone he was going to use for his much-ballyhooed special attack. So he resorts to a perfectly normal attack.


It's actually pretty rough!


The little dog joins in!








I took a hit here, because how do you jump high enough to clear all those bones?


After that storm of attacks, Papyrus is can see we're totally exhausted, and opts to spare us. The nonviolent fight is a pure waiting game, a test of endurance.

[nosimpleway]

: I CAN'T EVEN STOP SOMEONE AS WEAK AS YOU... UNDYNE'S GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME. I'LL NEVER JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD... AND... MY FRIEND QUANTITY WILL REMAIN STAGNANT!



: REALLY!? YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS, WITH ME??? WELL THEN... I GUESS... I GUESS I CAN MAKE AN ALLOWANCE FOR YOU! WOWIE!! WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD OUR FIRST DATE... AND I'VE ALREADY MANAGED TO HIT THE FRIEND ZONE!!!

"Friend zone"? I've changed my mind.

: WHO KNEW THAT ALL I NEEDED TO MAKE PALS... WAS TO GIVE PEOPLE AWFUL PUZZLES AND THEN FIGHT THEM?? YOU TAUGHT ME A LOT, HUMAN. I HEREBY GRANT YOU PERMISSION TO PASS THROUGH! AND I'LL GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO THE SURFACE. CONTINUE FORWARD UNTIL YOU REACH THE END OF THE CAVERN. THEN... WHEN YOU REACH THE CAPITAL, CROSS THE BARRIER.

That's actually in yellow, but yellow text shows up a lot better in black ingame text boxes than these light-colored forum windows.

: THAT'S THE MAGICAL SEAL TRAPPING US ALL UNDERGROUND. ANYTHING CAN ENTER THROUGH IT, BUT NOTHING CAN EXIT... ...EXCEPT SOMEONE WITH A POWERFUL SOUL. ...LIKE YOU!!!

Oh? I thought humans had strong physical bodies, but monsters had more powerful souls. I mean, the in-battle action minigames are just a representation of magic attacks aiming directly at my soul instead of harming my body, right? Anyway.

: THAT'S WHY THE KING WANTS TO ACQUIRE A HUMAN. HE WANTS TO OPEN THE BARRIER WITH SOUL POWER. THEN US MONSTERS CAN RETURN TO THE SURFACE! OH, I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU... TO REACH THE EXIT, YOU WILL HAVE TO PASS... THROUGH THE KING'S CASTLE.

: THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS...

: HE IS... WELL...

: HE'S A BIG FUZZY PUSHOVER!!! EVERYBODY LOVES THAT GUY. I AM CERTAIN IF YOU JUST SAY, "EXCUSE ME, MR. DREEMURR... CAN I PLEASE GO HOME?" HE'LL GUIDE YOU RIGHT TO THE BARRIER HIMSELF!"

Dreemurr? That doesn't sound so bad. Here I thought the king might be this Asgore guy that Toriel warned me about.

: ANYWAY!!! THAT'S ENOUGH TALKING!!! I'LL BE AT HOME BEING A COOL FRIEND!!! FEEL FREE TO COME BY AND HAVE THAT DATE! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!

[zaratustra]

Papyrus' bone fence attack: It's another interface joke. if you just keep holding UP in that segment, you'll keep floating up.

Human souls vs. monster souls: Human souls are more resilient, not necessarily "stronger" by measure of firepower.

[nosimpleway]

: YOU MUST BE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS... I'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOU SOMEPLACE REALLY SPECIAL... A PLACE I LIKE TO SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME!!!


Not the library. He must be taking me to Grillby's. It's the only other thing in-- hey, are you turning around?




We're invited to wander around and look at stuff all we want.



: NOW I CAN FIT MORE BONES UNDER IT! TAKE A LOOKSY!



: WHAT!?!? CATCH THAT MEDDLING CANINE! CURSES!!!


waamp waaamp waaaahhhhhh

: SANS! STOP PLAGUING MY LIFE WITH INCIDENTAL MUSIC!

Everything else I can just transcribe as text, so:

Looking at the rock on the table: THIS IS MY BROTHER'S PET ROCK. HE ALWAYS FORGETS TO FEED IT. AS USUAL, I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
(The rock is covered in sprinkles.)

Looking in the refrigerator: AH-HA! INTERESTED IN MY FOOD MUSEUM? PLEASE. PERUSE MY CULINARY ARTSHOW.
(Half of the fridge is filled with containers labelled "spaghetti." The other half contains nothing but an empty bag of chips.)

Looking at the garbage: THAT'S THE TRASH CAN. FEEL FREE TO VISIT IT ANY TIME.

Looking at the stove: MY BROTHER ALWAYS GOES OUT TO EAT. BUT... RECENTLY, HE TRIED 'BAKING' SOMETHING. IT WAS LIKE... A QUICHE. BUT FILLED WITH A SUGARY, NON-EGG SUBSTANCE. HOW ABSURD!

So... a pie? I know someone who makes a good pie. Or... used... to know someone... :(

Looking at the sock in the living room: (It's a dirty sock with a series of notes on it.)
SANS! PLEASE PICK UP YOUR SOCK!
ok.
DON'T PUT IT BACK DOWN! MOVE IT!
ok.
YOU MOVED IT TWO INCHES! MOVE IT TO YOUR ROOM!
ok.
AND DON'T BRING IT BACK!
ok.
IT'S STILL HERE!
didn't you just say not to bring it back to my room?
FORGET IT!

Looking at the TV: OOH, IT'S MY FAVORITE GAME-SHOW!
(It says, "STAY TUNED FOR A NEW PROGRAM - MTT.")
WHAT!!! IT'S USUALLY BETTER THAN THIS! THIS IS JUST A BAD EPISODE!!! DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

Looking at the sofa: (You touch the couch.) (It makes a jangling sound.) (You find a bunch of loose coins inside the couch...) (You got 20G.)

Looking at the book on the table: (You find a joke book.) (Inside the joke book was a quantum physics book.) (You look inside...) (Inside the quantum physics book was another joke book.) (You look inside...) (There's another quantum physics book...)
(You decide to stop.)

Looking at the picture upstairs: A CLASSIC IMAGE. IT ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN LIFE.

Sans's door is locked, with the weird multicolored mist leaking out from underneath the door. Looking at the other door...

: THAT'S MY ROOM! IF YOU'VE FINISHED LOOKING AROUND... WE COULD GO IN AND... DO WHATEVER PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY DATE???

[nosimpleway]

Welcome to scenic Papyrus's room! Again, we can look around at stuff for texts either humorous or vaguely referring to plot points.

Looking at the box of bones in the corner: HEY, THOSE ARE ALL THE ATTACKS I USED ON YOU. GREAT MEMORIES, HUH? SEEMS LIKE IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY... EVEN THOUGH IT BASICALLY JUST HAPPENED.

Looking at the racecar bed: THAT'S MY BED! IF I EVER GET TO THE SURFACE... I'D LIKE TO DRIVE DOWN A LONG HIGHWAY. WIND IN MY HAIR... SUN ON MY SKIN... OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST A DREAM. SO INSTEAD I CRUISE WHILE I SNOOZE.

Even if you get out of the underground, you don't have either hair or skin, so.

Looking at the desk: AH, YES, ACTION FIGURES. A GREAT REFERENCE FOR THEORETICAL BATTLE SCENARIOS. HOW DO I HAVE SO MANY? WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THEY'RE FROM... A CHUBBY, SMILING MAN WHO LOVES TO SURPRISE PEOPLE. YEAH!! THAT'S RIGHT!

Sans?

SANTA!!!!

Oh.

Looking at the flag: ISN'T THAT FLAG NEATO? UNDYNE FOUND IT AT THE BAY... I THINK IT'S FROM THE HUMAN WORLD? NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. WHY WOULD A HUMAN FLAG HAVE A COOL SKELETON ON IT? WELL... I HAVE A THEORY. I THINK HUMANS... MUST HAVE DESCENDED FROM SKELETONS!!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!

That's... certainly an interesting theory.

Looking at the bookshelf: THAT BOOK'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES. "ADVANCED PUZZLE CONSTRUCTION FOR CRITICAL MINDS." THAT NEXT BOOK'S ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITES. "PEEK-A-BOO WITH FLUFFY BUNNY." THE ENDING ALWAYS GETS ME.

Looking at the computer: THE INTERNET! I'M QUITE POPULAR THERE. I'M JUST A DOZEN AWAY... FROM A DOUBLE-DIGIT FOLLOWER COUNT!

A dozen away... from double-digits? Huh.

OF COURSE, FAME HAS A STEEP PRICE. A JEALOUS TROLL HAS BESIEGED MY ONLINE PERSONA. ALWAYS SENDING ME BAD PUNS IN A GOOFY FONT...

Maybe it's Santa.

Looking at the closet: THERE ARE NO SKELETONS INSIDE MY CLOSET!!! EXCEPT ME SOMETIMES.

: SO, UM... IF YOU'VE SEEN EVERYTHING... DO YOU WANT TO START THE DATE?

: OKAY!!! DATING START!!!

[François]

Monster World's twitter must decrease your follower count when people block you. :(

[nosimpleway]

Music: Dating Start!



: HERE WE ARE!! ON OUR DATE!! I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY DONE THIS BEFORE. BUT DON'T WORRY!!! YOU CAN'T SPELL 'PREPARED' WITHOUT SEVERAL LETTERS FROM MY NAME!!! I SNAGGED AN OFFICIAL DATING RULEBOOK FROM THE LIBRARY! WE'RE READY TO HAVE A GREAT TIME!

: LET'S SEE... STEP ONE... PRESS THE [C] KEY ON YOUR KEYBOARD TO BRING UP THE "DATING HUD".


All right. Knowing the weather, the local crime hotspots, and where to find an egg is sure to help out on our date.

: I THINK WE'RE READY FOR STEP TWO!!! "STEP TWO... ASK THEM ON A DATE." AHEM! HUMAN! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... WILL GO ON A DATE WITH YOU!!!

I thought we already were? So yeah sure.

: R-REALLY??? WOWIE!!! I GUESS THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR PART THREE!!!

: "STEP THREE... PUT ON NICE CLOTHES TO SHOW YOU CARE!"

Music: Dating Tense

: ... WAIT A SECOND. "WEAR CLOTHING..." THAT BANDANNA AROUND YOUR HEAD... YOU'RE WEARING CLOTHING RIGHT NOW!!!

Well, more than just a bandanna. The date isn't going that well.

: NOT ONLY THAT... EARLIER TODAY, YOU WERE ALSO WEARING CLOTHING! NO... COULD IT BE??? YOU'VE WANTED TO DATE ME FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!??

Uhh... yeah, let's go with that.



: YOU PLANNED IT ALL!!! YOU'RE WAY BETTER AT DATING THAN I AM!! N-NOOOO!!! YOUR DATING POWER...!!!

What? That's not a thing.


Okay, that's... a thing.



: NYEH! NYEH HEH HEH!!! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... HAVE NEVER BEEN BEATEN AT DATING, AND I NEVER WILL!

Y... you've never been on a date before at all.

: I CAN EASILY KEEP UP WITH YOU!!! YOU SEE, I, TOO, CAN WEAR CLOTHING!!! IN FACT... I ALWAYS WEAR MY "SPECIAL" CLOTHES UNDERNEATH MY REGULAR CLOTHES!!

Those are regular clothes?

: JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY HAPPENS TO ASK ME ON A DATE!!! BEHOLD!!!


Aww, I used to have a shirt that said "COOL DUDE" and had basketballs on the shoulders! I wore it with my favorite backwards baseball cap! That's great!

: NO!!! A GENUINE COMPLIMENT...!!!



: HOWEVER... YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE HIDDEN POWER OF THIS OUTFIT!!! THEREFORE... WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS INVALID!!! THIS DATE WON'T ESCALATE ANY FURTHER... UNLESS YOU FIND MY SECRET!! BUT THAT WON'T HAPPEN!!


And we can check around for evidence because this is basically a Phoenix Wright trial really Papyrus's secret.

Looking at his shoes: HUMAN SOULS ARE STRONGER THAN MONSTER SOULS... BUT THE SOLES OF OUR SHOES ON THE OTHER HAND...! ...ARE ABOUT THE SAME.

Looking at his legs: THERE'S NO SECRET TO MY LEGS. JUST HARD WORK AND PERSEVERANCE...

Looking at his shirt: THIS SHIRT DIDN'T ORIGINALLY SAY 'COOL,' BUT I IMPROVED IT. EXPERT TIP: ALL CLOTHING ARTICLES CAN BE IMPROVED THIS WAY.

Looking at his arm: I SEE... I SEE... YOU LIKE CARESSING MY BICEPS WITH A FLOATING HEART. BUT WHO DOESN'T!?

Looking at his hand: HOLDING MY HAND SO I'LL TELL YOU THE ANSWER... NO!!! I MUST RESIST!!

Looking at his hat: MY HAT...? MY HAT. MY HAT! NYEH HEH HEH!

Music: Dating Fight!


You can guess what's inside.



: RIGHT! BUT OH-SO WRONG! THIS AIN'T ANY PLAIN OL' PASTA! THIS IS AN ARTISAN'S WORK! SILKEN SPAGHETTI, FINELY AGED IN AN OAKEN CASK... THEN COOKED BY ME, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS! HUMAN!!! IT'S TIME TO END THIS!! THERE'S NO WAY THIS CAN GO ANY FURTHER!

D... do I eat it? I mean... it's not like there's an underground Barelli plant. He probably made this himself, out of... well, I haven't exactly seen any rolling fields of durum wheat anywhere, either. Where do monsters get their food? Do they make it with magic? Oh, whatever. I've already eaten donuts made out of spiders and cinnamon buns that might be actual bunnies. What could possibly go wrong?

(You take a small bite.)
(Your face reflexively scrunches up.)
(The taste is indescribable...)

: WHAT A PASSIONATE EXPRESSION!!! YOU MUST REALLY LOVE MY COOKING! AND BY EXTENSION, ME!!! MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN I DO!!!





And then, only text on a white screen.

HUMAN. IT'S CLEAR NOW. YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME. EVERYTHING YOU DO. EVERYTHING YOU SAY. IT'S ALL BEEN FOR MY SAKE. HUMAN, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, TOO. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS. IT'S TIME THAT I TOLD YOU. I, PAPYRUS...

And then, back to the dating screen, with Papyrus still balancing the plate of spaghetti on his skull.

: UM... BOY, IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST ME?? ...OH, SHOOT. HUMAN, I... I'M SORRY. I DON'T LIKE YOU THE WAY YOU LIKE ME. ROMANTICALLY, I MEAN. I MEAN, I TRIED VERY HARD TO! I THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE YOU FLIRTED WITH ME... THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU. THEN, ON THE DATE, FEELINGS WOULD BLOSSOM FORTH!!! I WOULD BE ABLE TO MATCH YOUR PASSION FOR ME! BUT ALAS... I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... HAVE FAILED. I FEEL JUST THE SAME AS BEFORE. AND INSTEAD, BY DATING YOU... I HAVE ONLY DRAWN YOU DEEPER INTO YOUR INTENSE LOVE FOR ME! A DARK PRISON OF PASSION, WITH NO ESCAPE. HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS TO MY DEAR FRIEND...? ...NO! WAIT! THAT'S WRONG! I CAN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING!!! HUMAN!!! I'LL HELP YOU THROUGH THESE TRYING TIMES!!! I'LL KEEP BEING YOUR COOL FRIEND... AND ACT LIKE THIS ALL NEVER HAPPENED. AFTER ALL, YOU ARE VERY GREAT. IT WOULD BE TRAGIC TO LOSE YOUR FRIENDSHIP. SO PLEASE... DON'T CRY BECAUSE I WON'T KISS YOU. BECAUSE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE LIPS. AND HEY, SOMEDAY, YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE AS GREAT AS ME. WELL, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. BUT I'LL HELP YOU SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST!!! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!

It's not a total loss! We get Papyrus's phone number, so we can keep in touch. Date over! Let's all pretend this never happened.

[nosimpleway]

Just past Snowdin is the end of the frozen forest, and the start of the watery cave. I mean, everything's a cave, this part is just... extra cave-ey.


The monster kid from town has snuck off after us, in hopes of seeing... "her".


Sure enough, talking to the flower has it say whatever the last onscreen text box was.



: fortunately, two jobs means twice as many legally-required breaks. i'm going to grillby's. wanna come?

It's pretty impressive for a guy to be so lazy that he takes up an extra job just to get another lunch break.

: well, if you insist... i'll pry myself away from my work... over here. i know a shortcut.



Sans says hi to everyone, then we have a seat... on a whoopie cushion. We get a double order of fries and get to talkin'.

: so, what do you think... about my brother?

Well, I'm glad I don't have to transcribe the game script in all caps anymore. That's pretty cool.

: of course he's cool. you'd be cool too if you wore that outfit every day. he'd only take that thing off if he absolutely had to.

Like if he were on a date, and had to show off what he was wearing underneath?

: oh well. at least he washes it. and by that i mean he wears it in the shower. here comes the grub.


Well, one more prank, I guess. Do I take the obviously-trapped ketchup bottle?

Nah.


Sans shrugs "more for me" and chugs the rest.

: anyway, cool or not, you have to agree papyrus tries real hard. like how he keeps trying to be part of the royal guard. one day, he went to the house of the head of the royal guard and begged her to let him be in it.

Is it suspicious that you won't say her name?

: of course, she shut the door on him because it was midnight. but the next day, she woke up and saw him still waiting there. seeing his dedication, she decided to give him warrior training. it's uh, still a work in progress. oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something.

Music: Premonition



Oh yeah, hell yeah I have. He's a major assho--

: so you know all about it. the echo flower.

What? No. That's not--

: they're all over the marsh. say something to them, and they'll repeat it over and over... what about it? well, papyrus told me something interesting the other day. sometimes, when no one else is around... a flower appears and whispers things to him. flattery... advice... encouragement... ...predictions. weird, huh? someone must be using an echo flower to play a trick on him. keep an eye out, ok?

No, listen, that's not an echo fl--



Oh, whatever.

[nosimpleway]

Music: Waterfall


"Behind the rushing water" is pretty vague for a section of the game entirely defined by streams and waterfalls.


It's not even hinting at the hidden camera!


It's a video game, so of course there's at least one secret passage behind the waterfall. Inside is the upgrade to the Manly Bandana, the Dusty Tutu.


And further on is a room where the music, already moody and vaguely ominous, switches to the even more tense Undyne. The lighting is dramatically different, so there's probably some sort of light-based puzzle--



: UHHH... REGARDING THAT HUMAN I CALLED YOU ABOUT EARLIER... ... HUH? DID I FIGHT THEM? Y-YES! OF COURSE I DID! I FOUGHT THEM VALIANTLY! ...WHAT? DID I CAPTURE THEM...? W-W-WELL... NO. I TRIED VERY HARD, UNDYNE, BUT IN THE END... I FAILED. ... W-WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THE HUMAN'S SOUL YOURSELF... BUT UNDYNE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DESTROY THEM! YOU SEE... YOU SEE...

Undyne shuts Papyrus up with a steely glare.

: ...I UNDERSTAND. I'LL HELP YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN.

Papyrus leaves, so we're free t--




There's a tense moment, before Undyne steps back into the shadows and her eye dims, indicating that she's gone. Probably.