Reading this Undertale LP fills you with determination.

[nosimpleway]

: Ahead of us lies the end of the RUINS. A one-way exit to the rest of the underground. I am going to destroy it. No one will ever be able to leave again. Now be a good child and go upstairs.

Wait, you're sweet and all, but this is a kidnapping! An abduction! You can't do this!



: I have seen it again and again. They come. They leave. They die. You naive child... If you leave the RUINS... They... ASGORE... Will kill you. I am only protecting you, do you understand? ... go to your room.



: Hmph. You are just like the others. There is only one solution to this. Prove yourself... Prove to me you are strong enough to survive.

Music: Heartbreak


And then you have to fight the sweet old lady who just wanted to give you a safe place to live, feed you pie, and teach you about snails.

Her in-battle description says she stares right through you, and that talking isn't going to work this time. Her attacks are vicious and hard to dodge, too. Maybe she'll back down after you prove yourself a little? So I give her a few whacks, and...


OH SHIT NO HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN


A critical hit knocks out all her HP.


And she doesn't just yield at 0 HP. You actually kill her.


To drive home what happened, her white heart, her soul, the essence of her being...


...breaks.

[nosimpleway]

Now is not a good time, Flowey.

: I hope you like your choice. After all, it's not as if you can go back and change fate. In this world, it's kill or be killed.

It was an accident!

: That old hag thought she could break the rules. She tried so hard to save you humans. But when it came down to it...

: Hee hee...

: SHE COULDN'T EVEN SAVE HERSELF. WHAT AN IDIOT!!


:(


BY TOBY FOX

[Mothra]

Toriel's death is genuinely fucking heart-wrenching :[

If only there was a way to save her, but what's done is done~

[nosimpleway]

Outside Toriel's house, we find ourselves in... the woods. The snow-covered... woods. Okay, so this cavern complex doesn't make any geographical sense at all. That's, uh, noted.


I'm... sure it's nothing.


It's a long, straight path, giving you plenty of time to think about what just happened. Poor Toriel. :(


After a few more steps, there's a sharp cracking sound, and...


So something's in these woods with you...


Some sort of shadowy figure...


W-w-what?!

Shadowy Figure: Don't you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around and shake my hand.

[nosimpleway]

Music: Sans


Oh, I thought the player character was so scared he'd lost control of his bowels.

: it's ALWAYS funny. anyways, you're a human, right? that's hilarious. i'm sans. sans the skeleton.

The font kinda gave it away.

: im actually supposed to be on watch for humans right now. but... y'know... i dont really care about capturing anybody.

Or capitalization, or consistent punctuation...

: now my brother, papyrus... he's a human-hunting FANATIC. hey, actually, I think that's him over there. i have an idea. go through this gate thingy. yeah, go right through. my bro made the bars too wide to stop anyone.




Wow, that certainly is conveniently-shaped.

: sup, bro?


Oh god, the skeleton named Sans talks in the comic sans typeface, and the skeleton named Papyrus talks in the Papyrus typeface.

: IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T... RECALIBRATED. YOUR. PUZZLES! YOU JUST HANG AROUND OUTSIDE YOUR STATION! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!?

: staring at this lamp. it's really cool. do you wanna look?

: NO!! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!! WHAT IF A HUMAN COMES THROUGH HERE!?! I WANT TO BE READY!!! I WILL BE THE ONE! I MUST BE THE ONE! I WILL CAPTURE A HUMAN! THEN, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE! RESPECT... RECOGNITION... I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL ASK, TO, BE MY, "FRIEND?" I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING.

: hmm... maybe this lamp will help you.

: SANS!! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!! YOU LAZYBONES!! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AND BOONDOGGLE! YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY!!!

: hey, take it easy. i've gotten a ton of work done today.

: a skele-ton.


ba-dum pssh

[nosimpleway]

: SANS!!!

: come on. you're smiling.

: I AM AND I HATE IT!

: SIGH... WHY DOES SOMEONE AS GREAT AS ME... HAVE TO GO THROUGH SO MUCH JUST TO GET SOME RECOGNITION...

: wow, sounds like you're really working yourself...

: down to the bone.


ba-dum pssh

: UGH!!! I WILL ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES... AS FOR YOUR WORK? PUT A LITTLE MORE, "BACKBONE" INTO IT!!!!

: NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!

Papyrus walks offscreen.

: HEH!



: ... you'll have to sit through more of my hilarious jokes.



: i was thinking... my brother's been kind of down lately... he's never seen a human before. and seeing you might make his day. don't worry, he's not dangerous. even if he tries to be. thanks a million. i'll be up ahead.


Filled with determination and with patience worn a bit thin by the new characters' text patterns, we save the game.

[François]

I'm torn between wanting to keep reading this, and wanting to play it for myself, and then remembering I'm waiting on a CPU a continent away so I can't really get started yet. Gah!

[nosimpleway]

Sounds like you need a little more determination. Have you saved your game lately?

[François]

My town switched to the No More Heroes model for save points a few years ago, so determination is only necessary if you don't eat enough fiber.

[nosimpleway]

Music: Snowy. I found a playlist for the Undertale OST! Isn't that wonderful? (Yes, it is, the music in this game is fan-damn-tastic.) As always, open the video in a new tab while you read; shift-click or wheel-click is a Chrome shortcut that may work in other browsers, idk.


To save some explanation: it's an inventory item storage. As I find out rather later, you can actually call the box on your cellphone to access the extended inventory space it provides. Aside from limiting the number of items you can carry into battle, it seems like a weird way limit-sort-of-but-not-really the stuff you can carry.


But the first time you open it, you discover that someone else left a weapon upgrade inside. The Tough Glove is a subtle pun and a slight boost above the Stick you start the game with.


One screen up is a fishing line. Reeling it in shows that someone, uh, is trying to find a date in one of the local sea creatures. His or her phone number is attached, but not added to the list of people you can dial on the cellphone.

Probably just a catfish account, anyway.


So, the local wildlife. Each time the Snowdrake attacks, it belts out a pun that makes that "catfish account" line seem sophisticated. "Ice to meet you!" or "My fave cereals are 'frosted'" or "Ice puns are snow problem!" To appease it, laugh at its jokes. ("See? Laughs! Dad was wrong!")

It gets pretty annoyed if you start laughing at it before it tells a joke, but then realizes that its own name is a pun and has a minor existential crisis.


Ice Cap is utterly fascinated with its own hat. Everything it says and does centers on its fantastic headwear. If you flatter it, it'll lower its guard, allowing you to steal its hat...


...and an Ice Cap without the Cap part is just Ice. If you tell him that he still looks okay even without the hat, you can let it go. (If you try to steal the hat without flattering Ice Cap first, he'll call for help from the Fashion Police.)

[nosimpleway]

: SANS!! OH MY GOD!! IS THAT... A HUMAN!?!?!??!?!



: OH.

: hey, what's that in front of the rock?

: OH MY GOD!!! (IS... IS THAT A HUMAN)

: (yes)

: OH MY GOD!!! SANS! I FINALLY DID IT!! UNDYNE WILL... I'M GONNA... I'LL BE SO... POPULAR!!! POPULAR!!! POPULAR!!!

: ...'AHEM'. HUMAN! YOU SHALL NOT PASS THIS AREA! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL STOP YOU!!! I WILL THEN CAPTURE YOU! YOU WILL BE DELIVERED TO THE CAPITAL! THEN... THEN!!! I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S NEXT. IN ANY CASE! CONTINUE... ONLY IF YOU DARE!!! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!

And Papyrus leaves, allowing me to turn off caps lock for a little while.

: well, that went well. don't sweat it, kid. i'll keep an eyesocket out for ya.


The next screen has someone's sentry station, left abandoned. The one behind the conveniently-shaped lamp was also abandoned, but filled with bottles of ketchup and mustard. This one has a sign stapled to the front: "YOU OBSERVE THE WELL-CRAFTED SENTRY STATION. WHO COULD HAVE BUILT THIS, YOU PONDER... I BET IT WAS THAT VERY FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN! (NOTE: NOT YET A VERY FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN.)"

[nosimpleway]

The next sentry station is manned by a guard dog. Or dogged by a guardsman. I'm not sure.




Doggo is another tutorial boss. He makes it pretty clear before the fight that he can only see and attack things that are moving, introducing you to the blue attacks some monsters use. If your soul-heart isn't moving when the blue attack hits, it'll pass right through without doing any HP damage. Doggo can be completely evaded by not dodging at all.


Once you are undetected by remaining still, you can "Pet" Doggo to freak him out.


This allows you to end the battle. Doggo's actually a pretty clever pun, too: to lie doggo is to remain completely still so as to remain undetected, and that's exactly how you fight him.



: my brother has a very special attack. if you see a blue attack, don't move and it won't hurt you. here's an easy way to keep it in mind. imagine a stop sign. when you see a stop sign, you stop, right? stop signs are red. so imagine a blue stop sign instead. simple, right? when fighting, think about blue stop signs.

[nosimpleway]

East is Snowdin Town (and ice), so let's look elsewhere first.


North is a snowman who gives you a chunk of himself to carry around. Somehow, it never melts. I'm not sure what the end goal of this quest is, but hey, all right. I'm all for helping sessile creatures suffering from wanderlust.

Or you can eat the snowman piece to restore 45 HP.

[nosimpleway]

Hooray! It's the Lesser Dog! This part was semi-spoiled for me because it's kind of gotten around. And why not? It pretty well captures the offbeat style in the game. Instead of any sort of commentary, I'm just going to dump every screenshot I took of this fight, and let it speak for itself.























































Lesser Dog is so great.

[nosimpleway]

: YOU WERE NAPPING ALL NIGHT!!

: i think that's called... sleeping.

: EXCUSES, EXCUSES!

: OH-HO! THE HUMAN ARRIVES! IN ORDER TO STOP YOU... MY BROTHER AND I HAVE CREATED SOME PUZZLES! I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS ONE... QUITE SHOCKING!!! FOR YOU SEE, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE... ELECTRICITY MAZE!!! WHEN YOU TOUCH THE WALLS OF THIS MAZE, THIS ORB WILL ADMINISTER A HEARTY ZAP! SOUND LIKE FUN??? BECAUSE! THE AMOUNT OF FUN YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE, IS ACTUALLY RATHER SMALL I THINK. OK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD NOW.

Bbbbzzzzort



: SANS!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!

: i think the human has to hold the orb.

: OH, OKAY.



I can try again... now that Papyrus has left a trail of footprints in the snow that shows me exactly how to get through the maze.



: YOU SOLVED IT SO EASILY... TOO EASILY! HOWEVER! THE NEXT PUZZLE WILL NOT BE EASY! IT IS DESIGNED BY MY BROTHER, SANS! YOU WILL SURELY BE CONFOUNDED! I KNOW I AM! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!

And Papyrus leaves to set the next trap, again giving my caps lock a break.

: hey, thanks... my brother seems like he's having fun. by the way, did you see that weird outfit he's wearing? we made that a few weeks ago for a costume party. he hasn't worn anything else since... he keeps calling it his "battle body". man. isn't my brother cool?

[nosimpleway]

...because you're in a frozen forest with creatures that are made of snow and ice, and you're trying to sell quiescently frozen confections? I buy some Nice Cream from the poor guy. It's like a Good Humor bar, but it has a compliment on the wrapper instead of a joke.


Sans tries to sell you some fried snow for 5 gold. If you accept, he hikes the price to 50, then 5000 gold.


It appears to be a snow ball at a glance.


Snow smell - Snowman. WHITE rating. Can become YELLOW rating.
Unsuspicious Smell - Puppy. BLUE rating. Smell of rolling around.


Heh heh.



: SANS!! WHERE'S THE PUZZLE!!!

: it's right there. on the ground. trust me. there's no way they can get past this one.


...



: whoops. i knew i should have used today's crossword instead.

: WHAT!? CROSSWORD!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!! IN MY OPINION... JUNIOR JUMBLE IS EASILY THE HARDEST.

: what? really, dude? that easy-peasy word scramble? that's for baby bones.

: UN. BELIEVABLE. HUMAN!!! SOLVE THIS DISPUTE!

I hardly see why I should--



: YOU TWO ARE WEIRD! CROSSWORDS ARE SO EASY. IT'S THE SAME SOLUTION EVERY TIME. I JUST FILL ALL THE BOXES WITH THE LETTER "Z"... BECAUSE EVERY TIME I LOOK AT A CROSSWORD, ALL I CAN DO IS SNORE!!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!

Caps lock off.

: papyrus... ...finds difficult in interesting places. yesterday he got stumped trying to "solve" the horoscope.


It, of course, fills us with determination. The spaghetti is frozen to the plate, the microwave is unplugged, and the note is from Papyrus. I'm sure you're all sick of reading CRUISE CONTROL for a while, so I'll summarize: the spaghetti is so delicious, the human will have to stop and eat it, so lost in culinary bliss that I'll never realize I'm not making any progress.

God bless Papyrus.

Game save.

[nosimpleway]

In the next encounter, I run into an Ice Cap, a Snowdrake, and... Jerry. Nobody likes Jerry.


In fact, you can evade the loser just by conspiring with the other monsters to ditch him. Ice Cap and Snowdrake are spared after the usual hat-stealing and comedy-enjoying.


It's another dog battle!


Dogamy and Dogaressa are nearsighted but have keen senses of smell. They won't let you get close as long as you smell like a human.


Solution: roll around in the dirt and snow to identify yourself as code BLUE from the sign before. Give the dogs another sniff, and they get a bit confused, because you smell like a puppy now.


Then you confuse them further by petting them. A dog that pets other dogs? Amazing!

[nosimpleway]

Ugh, these sorts of puzzles. Can I go back to pushing rocks?



: AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY... IS THERE ANY LEFT FOR ME???

I am honest enough to admit that I didn't eat the spaghetti-trap he set.

: REALLY!? WOWIE... YOU RESISTED THE FLAVOR OF MY HOMECOOKED PASTA... JUST SO YOU COULD SHARE IT WITH ME??? FRET NOT HUMAN! I, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS, WILL MAKE YOU ALL THE PASTA YOU COULD EVER WANT! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH NYEH!

Is... that a threat? It's not a very good one. Wandering through the snow and stealing hats burns a lot of carbs.


...are we just making small talk now? What happened to the threats?

: HOW SADDENING... SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD DO WITHOUT SUCH A COOL GUY TAKING CARE OF HIM??? NYEH HEH HEH!



: YOU WERE TAKING A LONG TIME TO ARRIVE, SO... I DECIDED TO IMPROVE THIS PUZZLE BY ARRANGING THE SNOW TO LOOK LIKE MY FACE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SNOW FROZE TO THE GROUND. NOW THE SOLUTION IS DIFFERENT! AND, AS USUAL, MY LAZY BROTHER IS NOWHERE AROUND. I SUPPOSE WHAT I AM SAYING IS... WORRY NOT, HUMAN! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL SOLVE THIS CONUNDRUM! THEN WE CAN BOTH PROCEED! MEANWHILE, FEEL FREE TO TRY THE PUZZLE YOURSELF! I'LL TRY NOT TO GIVE AWAY THE ANSWER!!!


The trick to world 4 is that you don't have to do it all in one line. You can step around the snow marking the outside border of the puzzle without any ill effects.

: WOW!!! YOU SOLVED IT!! AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT MY HELP... INCREDIBLE! I'M IMPRESSED!! YOU MUST CARE ABOUT PUZZLES LIKE I DO! WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE THE NEXT PUZZLE THEN! IT MIGHT EVEN BE TOO EASY FOR YOU!! NYEH! HEH HEH! HEHEHEH!!!

Turns out sans was right by the exit the whole time.

: good job on solving it so quickly. you didn't even need my help. which is great, 'cause i love doing absolutely nothing.

[nosimpleway]

: IT'S THE HUMAN!

Yes? We saw each other right on the last screen.

: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS PUZZLE! IT WAS MADE BY THE GREAT DR. ALPHYS!

Dr. Alphys? Oh no! They have degrees in puzzleology and puzzleonomy!

: YOU SEE THESE TILES!? ONCE I THROW THIS SWITCH... THEY WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE COLOR! EACH COLOR HAS A DIFFERENT FUNCTION! RED TILES ARE IMPASSABLE! YOU CANNOT WALK ON THEM! YELLOW TILES ARE ELECTRIC! THEY WILL ELECTROCUTE YOU! GREEN TILES ARE ALARM TILES! IF YOU STEP ON THEM... YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT A MONSTER! ORANGE TILES ARE ORANGE-SCENTED. THEY WILL MAKE YOU SMELL DELICIOUS! BLUE TILES ARE WATER TILES. SWIM THROUGH THEM IF YOU LIKE, BUT... IF YOU SMELL LIKE ORANGES! THE PIRANHAS WILL BITE YOU. ALSO, IF A BLUE TILE IS NEXT TO A YELLOW TILE, THE WATER WILL ALSO ZAP YOU! PURPLE TILES ARE SLIPPERY! YOU WILL SLIDE TO THE NEXT TILE! HOWEVER, THE SLIPPERY SOAP... SMELLS LIKE LEMONS!! WHICH PIRANHAS DO NOT LIKE! PURPLE AND BLUE ARE OK! FINALLY, PINK TILES. THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. STEP ON THEM ALL YOU LIKE. HOW WAS THAT!? UNDERSTAND???

Sure. Pink tiles are walkable, red aren't. Purple are slippery and get rid of orange, which makes blue walkable, unless it borders yellow. Orange is walkable but makes blue unwalkable, whether it borders yellow or not. Green are a pain in the ass. Got it.

: GREAT!! THEN THERE'S ONE LAST THING... THIS PUZZLE... IS ENTIRELY RANDOM!!!!!! WHEN I PULL THIS SWITCH, IT WILL MAKE A PUZZLE... THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! NOT EVEN I WILL KNOW THE SOLUTION! NYEH HEH HEH! GET READY...!


shuffle shuffle shuffle


oh god the suspense is killing me


Bing!

Pink tiles are walkable with no consequences, so... uh... hey sans, what's goin' on?

: actually, that spaghetti from earlier... it wasn't too bad for my brother. since he started cooking lessions, he's been improving a lot. i bet if he keeps it up, next year he'll even make something edible.

[nosimpleway]

We are filled with determination!

A nearby deer-person explains that a dog rushed in, filled with inspiration, and tried to express itself through snow sculpture. But its neck kept getting longer and longer as it worked...


The snow Papyrus is pretty impressive. The snow sans... less so.


Sliding floor trigger puzzle. If you fall off the edge, you land down where the snow-skellingtons are and have to start over.


The next screen has a tiny doghouse and several snow poffs.


But that's not a snow poff! It's a small dog!


No, wait! It's a large dog!


No, it's a small dog in large armor.

The Greater Dog is the lesser fight, imo. You pet it and it gets excited, you play fetch with a snowball and it retrieves all the snow in the area, then it takes a nap on your lap. Once pet-capacity reaches 100%...


...you can let it go. The high point of the battle is that the very catchy Dogsong plays during it.


Oh, uh... that's ominous.


...but turns out to be ridiculous. Gyftrot can be appeased by helping it get the decorations off its antlers.


Past the Gyftrot lair is a door, but one that I can't open. The mushrooms light up or dim when you touch them, but as far as I can tell no combination opens the door.