Brontoforumus

It's so unreadable - it's like some yahoo just ranted incoherently on a Twitch stream with three subscribers (Hi mom!) for a half hour while a speech-to-text program ran.

The joke I've repeatedly seen across various MTG forums that I've been to seems to run along these lines:

"I couldn't even get through it. How could anybody read that incoherent mess?"
"Chas Andres did!"

So thanks Chas, for taking this one for the team, lol.

How did anyone make it past the first paragraph?

title: pleasepleasepleaseplease pretend this is important

thesis statement: I literally don't know the most basic aspects of this game

In better news, look.

LOOK.



I am so down for the return of the Tolaria Trio.

YES

RAWR IMMA DINE'SAW RAWWWRRRR

*STOMP STOMP STOMP*

And you just know that there will be that one guy who brings a rubber T-Rex mask to Prerelease, just on the off chance of pulling one of these.

I hope he'll have the good humour to share it.

Mongrel wrote:

YES

RAWR IMMA DINE'SAW RAWWWRRRR

*STOMP STOMP STOMP*

Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things!

Nobody puts baby in the graveyard.

"how girl fite?" is so disgustingly common in real life it's actually absurd, like all these men think that women can't fucking pull triggers with their weak little arms or some shit. Ignoring the fact, of course, that the most badass pirate of all fucking time was female.

Well yeah. A lot of people don't know that women have fought as actual combatants in almost every war in history, in some fashion (or do know, but dismiss it for Reasons). But with pirates especially so. Pirates as a fighting force probably featured a higher proportion of women than any other force in history, outside a few equal/matriarchal oddities (Kurds, Amazons, etc.) and some modern militaries.

I always remember the story of Anne Bonny, who, with her friend Mary Read, sailed and fought with Calico Jack Rackham.

In October 1720, when Anne was about eighteen years old, Rackham and his crew were attacked by a "King's ship", a sloop captained by Jonathan Barnet under a commission from Nicholas Lawes, Governor of Jamaica. Most of Rackham's pirates put up little resistance as many of them were too drunk to fight. However, Read and Bonny fought fiercely and managed to hold off Barnet's troops for a short time. Rackham and his crew were taken to Jamaica, where they were convicted and sentenced by Governor Lawes to be hanged.[15] According to Johnson, Bonny's last words to the imprisoned Rackham were: "Had you fought like a man, you need not have been hang'd like a dog." [16]

Whenever there's a majority of females in some fictional fighting thing you have to check twice to make sure it's not soft porn.

MTG illustrations have always been kind of on the fence as far as that call goes.

"kind of on the fence"



Aight sure. :D

Holy -shit- that is a terrible fucking card. God damn it is not that hard to understand that that card would be more interesting at WW or if it was +2/+1 or even +1/+2.

None of those changes would make that card good, mind you.

That's the metric for fucking bad design (at least with bad cards), by the way. If you can straight buff a card and it's still bad/uninteresting.

Well, to be fair that's a really old card.

If you really want to call out Magic cards for being softcore, the current poster kids, which are much more recent (though still a good few years old) are:



(ignore the expansion symbol... this is from a proxy site but that's the real card image on the right. Just using it because it shows both the as-printed art and the original version Steve Argyle turned in on the left)

and



Also there was a kerfuffle when one of the TO Orgs gave this out:



(WRT that last one, I suspect someone started with basically the same idea as this mat but a much funnier version, which would have been more clearly a silly riff on the classic Conan image. Somewhere along the way it just got straight up lewd.)

They've toned it down after some backlash... but it's notable that they've never reprinted Liliana (she's been reprinted three times!, including once as a GP promo where you normally see alternate art) with different art.

Well, it is kinda the most popular Liliana artwork.

And yeah, that almost-topless lady appears on many of D.A. Gregory's Mirage era artworks:



At least I'm pretty sure it's the same person. And if the calendars are canon, it's Rashida Scalebane.