KateStory XIX

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby LaserBeing » Wed Nov 12, 2014 6:57 pm

"...you any longer," she added with an eerie calmness as she took out her phone and started tapping on the screen.

"Huh? What do you mean by that?" Ernie asked. Peering over her shoulder, he saw only three ominous words displayed on the small device: "DEATH-FORCE = OFF"

"Wait a minute, Geist! What are you doing? Don't mess with that setting, don't you know how dangerous it is?"

Frances-Geist fixed Ernie with a deranged stare.

"Yes," she whispered in a cold-blooded snarl. "Yes I do." With one final tap of her decayed finger, the text changed.


Ernie screamed...

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby Friday » Wed Nov 12, 2014 9:18 pm

and screamed.


Brentai took a sip of his fine chardonnay from his fine goblet sitting upon his fine leather plush couch.

"This chardonnay tastes terrible," he said, and snapped his fingers. Immediately several servants dressed up as various Sonic and Mega Man X characters appeared, bowing, and took the goblet from his hand.

"Master, our apologies," Tails said. "We shall get you a new drink immediately."

"What would you like, Master?" asked Armor Armadillo.

Brentai slammed his hand down on the table. "Bring me... BAGEL," he said.

The servants scurried from the room as Brentai relaxed back into the cushions of his fine leather plush couch. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

Suddenly, his narrator alarm went off.

"OH FUCK NO I AM NOT DOING THIS," Brentai said, and immediately killed himself.


In another parallel universe much like ours, Brentai sat upon his fine plush leather couch sipping wine from his fine golden and silver chalice. The wine wasn't really that great, so he snapped his fingers and several servants dressed as characters from Rescue Rangers ducked into the room, bowing.

"This wine is alright," Brentai said.

"Can we help you, Master?" asked Gadget.

"Whom do you serve?" Brentai asked.

"SARUMAN," intoned Gadget.

"BRING ME THE HOBBITS," Brentai said.


Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Samwise, and Thad were walking along the road.

"Why don't we just fly The Ring to Mordor using the Eagles?" asked Pippin.

Suddenly, servants dressed up as Rescue Rangers dressed up as ninjas burst from the brush and threw Thad in a sack and leaped away.



"Sorry, Master," Gadget said, eyes downcast.

Suddenly, the narrator alarm went off.

"OH FUCK NO WE ARE NOT DOING THIS," both Brentai and Thad said, and immediately killed themselves.


Brentai 616's narrator alarm was going off. He raised his pistol to his temple.

A drawer next to him popped open, revealing a talking purple hedgehog.



Brentai 427-b took a sip of his cherry coke, and typed something in reply to a girl on AIM.

"why don't you suck my balls u dirty whore" he typed.

Gadgetgirl4536xx replied "lol i am gettin so wet"

Brentai 427-b could tell. This was the work of god damn cyber sex vampires. Because there were no girls on the internet in Earth 427-b. Due to the plague that had wiped out the entire female gender twelve years ago. Since then, man had labored intensively to find new meaning, mostly succeeding when it was discovered that dogs could do the peanut butter trick on either gender.

"i no u r a vampre," he typed.

"haha u kiding?" Gadgetgirl4536xx replied.



Just then, Brentai's narrator alarm went off.



Ernie kept screaming. A rift opened nearby, and Brentai and Thad tumbled out.

They immediately killed themselves.

This repeated several thousand times.

Finally, the mountain of corpses all suddenly vanished, leaving Ernie and Frances-Geist standing alone.

"I thought DEATH-FORCE was going to unleash a bunch of killer robots or something," Frances-Geist said. "Oh well. Anyway, it's time for you to wake up."

"Huh?" Ernie said.

"I said...


Ernie opened his eyes.

He was laying in his regular bed, in his regular house.

"Oh thank god, it was all just a dream," he said, sighing heavily.

He got to his feet and walked out of his bedroom to the kitchen to make himself some coffee. He needed to get to work at his regular job doing regular things.

"That was one crazy dream!" Ernie said, laughing. Something about a mountain of corpses? And the earth got destroyed? It was all fading pretty fast.

Ernie stirred his coffee. His talking purple hedgehog rolled into the room in one of those plastic balls.

"Hey Ernie," the hedgehog said.

Ernie looked down at the hedgehog. It was perfectly normal to have a talking purple hedgehog as a pet, because this was the year 2000. "Hey yourself," he replied.

"Did you pick up the milk?"

Ernie slapped his forehead.

"I swear," the hedgehog said, shaking his head. "You are so forgetful, Ernie. You'd lose your head if it wasn't sewn on straight because YOU TOO ARE A ZOMBIE-GOAST!"

"OH MY FUCK!!!" Ernie screamed.

Just then, Brentai kicked down the front door, took three steps into the room, and killed himself.

While Ernie screamed, the hedgehog rolled himself over to the coffee pot. "Jesus Christ, Friday, write a fucking novel," he muttered as he poured himself a cup.

Ernie kept screaming.

Just then...

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby Thad » Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:00 am

Ernie's voice started getting hoarse. Well, he HAD been screaming rather a lot.

Ernie cleared his throat, and then coughed for real.

He peered down at the fresh Brentai corpse. He narrowed his eyes. He nudged it a little with his foot.

"Yeah, he's dead," he muttered. He nudged the body a little more with his foot to make sure. "This is Highly Irregular."

Ernie stroked his chin and pondered. Then he coughed some more. Then he scratched his head.

"I guess I should probably call somebody to get this cleaned up. The police? Probably the police. This seems like one of those police things." He sighed. "I think they are probably going to ask me a lot of questions about who this man was, why he was in my house -- just barely --, and why he killed himself."

Ernie sighed, and walked over to his phone handset, because it was the year 2000 and he did not own a cellular telephone.

He lifted it to his ear and...

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby Thad » Sun Dec 21, 2014 1:33 am

pressed the Talk button. But he didn't get a dialtone.

"Ищешь достойную работу с хорошей оплатой?" said a voice at the other end.

"I'm...sorry?" said Ernie.

"Есть стремление и желание зарабатывать?" said the voice.

"I'm sorry," Ernie repeated more firmly, "but I don't speak Hylian..."

"Возможность зарабатывать от 1500р в день!" continued the voice, insistently.

"I'm hanging up now," Ernie said, and pressed the Hang Up button.

He walked to his refrigerator. He opened it. He peered intently at the apples. Then he stared at the sour cream. Then he looked back at the apples.

"Wait," said Ernie. "I wasn't going to the refrigerator. I was going to call the police. About the corpse."

He shut the refrigerator door. He started to walk back to the phone cradle. He realized he still had the handset in his hand. He lifted it to his ear and pressed the Talk button. But he didn't get a dialtone.

"By the way," said a voice at the other end, "the best program for marketing, SEO and SMM for me --"

"I told you I don't speak Hylian!" Ernie shouted in frustration. He pressed the Hang Up button. He reached for the Talk button, but before his thumb could press it it began to ring.

He looked at the Caller ID. He did not recognize the number. The area code was out-of-state.

He hit the Hang Up button. The phone immediately started ringing again -- different number this time.

He answered the phone. "Now listen!" he cried out. "I have had about enough --"


"-- of these calls! I told you, I --"


"-- don't understand what..." He realized the woman on the other end had said his name. He trailed off.

"Ernie. We've traced the calls. They're coming from inside your house."

Ernie's jaw slackened. He slowly turned.

And there, from Ernie's breakfast nook, shambled...

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby Thad » Mon Mar 02, 2015 11:12 pm

a goddamn Robot Zomby Woof. It was poking at a handheld rectangle thing, like the one Mother Frances had had in Ernie's dream. Phone, Ernie's mind had said then, and phone his mind said now, even though this was the year 2000 and he had never seen a phone that looked anything like it.

The Robot Zomby Woof continued to move slowly toward him, its movements disquieting. It seemed to be leering at him. It lifted the phone to its ear.

"APP YOURS!" shouted a man's voice from the doorway. He pointed a rectangle of his own at the Robot Zomby Woof. Its phone exploded, and also it exploded its head.

"Hi!" said the man who had shouted the incomprehensible-in-2000 quip. "I'm Billy von Garda!" He stepped over the Brentai corpse in the doorway.

A woman followed him in. "And I'm Kelly London! We are the London-von Gardas, and we come from the year 2015!"

Ernie tried to get a word in edgewise. He failed to do so, not for the first time tonight and not for the last.

"Let's cut to the chase," said Billy. "This is the part where you are skeptical about the people claiming to be from the future, and you don't know why you should trust them."

Kelly tapped at the screen of her own phone a few times, and then held it up. Ernie would have been surprised to see his own face -- with a few gray hairs at the temples -- but it really wasn't one of the more surprising things he had seen today.

"Hi, Ernie!" Ernie's voice came from the phone. "It's me, you! From the fuuuuuuture!" He wiggled his fingers to emphasize that he was being spooky.

"The future has been invaded by North Korean spambots," Future Ernie continued.

"They don't sound North Korean," Present Ernie protested.

"You probably noticed that they don't sound North Korean," Future Ernie acknowledged. "That's because those North Koreans are cagey. But I assure you, they are the greatest threat 2015 has ever seen. And past-me-you are our best hope for defeating them, in the Year 2000.

"Anyway, Kelly and Billy are cool. You can trust them. They trust you. Me? Us. Look! I'm babysitting their kids!" He held up a baby and a toddler. "Wave to Uncle Ernie from the Year 2000!" The toddler waved. The baby vomited. "The baby sure does vomit a lot," observed Future Ernie. "I should probably clean that up. Bye, Past Me! Oh, also you should probably invest in Apple and stuff. Bye!" The video closed.

"Ooooo...kay," Ernie said, nodding slowly. "Well, that seems like everything's in order, then. Can you two help me take care of the corpse in my doorway?"

He pointed.

But the Brentai corpse was gone.

"Hey! You guys are quick. Sure I'll help you go fight some North Koreans."

And so the three of them set off. To go fight North Koreans.


For Staff Sergeant William L Boyd, US Air Force
January 4, 1929 - March 2, 2015
Grandpa, you're fighting North Koreans in Heaven now.

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Re: KateStory XIX

Postby Brentai » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:12 am

The Brentai corpse wasn't there, but it saluted anyway.

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