Mobile Game Hell

[Romosome]

Hi, I'm Romosome. I love my Android phone, and I'm always looking for more games to play on it. After a tragic emulator accident scarred me for life, I went on a quest to plumb the depths of free and freemium Android games, searching intently for RPGs and loot, trying to find the best games I could.

This is what I found instead.



This kind of stuff is pretty much 90% of what you run into. Card-based gacha games where you collect and upgrade pictures of anime girls. some of them are actually fun They're obviously garbage but seeing the sheer EXTENT of them is pretty amazing.





Though initial inspection makes them seem identical, there's surprising variety in this garbage heap.


Here's an otome game, FOR GIRLS. Apparently most of them are basically "Abusive Relationship Adventure". Flip a coin as to whether it's in a hip urban setting or Ye Olde Asia.

[*]
Some of them just don't give a single fuck about copyright.

I could honestly make this entire thread just a dump of insane Play Store images, but I've done you one better: I'm going to actually play these. It's hard to decide, but--



Alright yeah that'll work.

[Romosome]

Soul Taker: Face of Fatal Blow


We're off to a good start. Most games like this will have a small initial download and then make you wait to download the ACTUAL game on first run, to get you into the app faster. In this case, we get a whiff of the quality localization to come. To my surprise, this dialogue is fully voice acted, in english.


Some brave woman actually recorded herself saying all this out loud, word for word. It's kind of incredible. I hope she was paid well.


Nothing too crazy so far. The game lets us choose from over one class! We can be a Knight, or an Assassin. I pick Knight, because heavier armor is always the coolest looking. I also pick female, because I like to see women swinging enormous weapons around.



We're treated to some decent little cinematic cutscenes. I'm impressed that this game actually attempts to look like a video game, and not just like a random flash files like most do. The graphics certainly aren't bleeding edge, but the entire thing gives a sort of arcade vibe to it, reminding me of House of the Dead.


Gameplay is pretty much automatic. It's a grindfest that plays itself. Gear, however, appears to be visible, and I like that. Sometimes you just want a bit of mindless loot collecting, and it's nice to be able to play dressup with what you get.


Hyper attack is just too cool.

[Friday]

Romo you fucking casual faggot

You have betray the ancient pact of the gods

[nosimpleway]

Don't forget you can only level up by eating food.

[Romosome]

When setting up my equipment (not the first time) I notice an odd item in the last slot. Apparently I have undies, and they have stats. Huh.


Weird, but sort of impressive. Most games don't even bother to model your armor. This one does your armor AND underwear.

My character stays in armor after backing out, so I at least know it's not an option to just run around in your skivvies.


Not long after, I get another pair from a level. Another of the same.


So, of course, I fuse it into my existing pair. Now my pink bra gives me more MP. Videogames are art.

[Romosome]

Every time I level up, I get a letter with a piece of fancy 4 star armor in it to keep me hooked. I begin to look significantly more fabulous.
Eventually, this happens. I think the monster is *supposed* to be talking like that. Which shows odd detail in what seems otherwise to be a completely un-edited script.

MONSTER:


ME :

(???????????????????)

MONSTER:


ME:



A boss battle ensues. Activating a Hyper Combo (is so cool) has you play a brief game of Ouendan, tapping circles once they've shrank within a certain radius.

The monster bemoans this tragic violence with its dying breath.




Spoiler: I'm a Chark. I have no idea what a Chark is.


My reaction to being told that I share blood with both the being I just killed and something else I've never heard of is apparently "Cool, is it strong?????"

[beatbandito]

My reaction to being told that I share blood with both the being I just killed and something else I've never heard of is apparently "Cool, is it strong?????"

That's the only acceptable response.

(???????????????????)

As far as I can make out, the exchange is:

Monster Bro - monsters only kill humans because humans suck. Monsters deserve to have revenge.

Pink Bra Battle Lady - yeah, monsters deserve to have revenge bought upon them. by me. right now.

MB - oh shit you're so witty have at you

I wanted so badly to believe you were a centaur before seeing the class option.

[Friday]

if romo was a centaur i would forgive his trespass and betray

as it stands though i'm gonna have to fuse him with my bra

[Friday]

DOUBLE REPPUKEN

[Esperath]

I'LL STAY IN MY HOUSE

YOU CANNOT STAIN MY HOUSE

BRAISING SOLE

YOU CANNOT ESCAPE LONG DEBT

[MarsDragon]

Honestly I'd read the dialog in this game out loud for free.

Shitty mobile game companies plz hire me

[MarsDragon]

I found these videos today, thought they seemed relevant to the thread:




You can probably skip straight to the second if you already know the principles of gatcha games.

[Hardly Ideal]

Ugh, just the screenshots are enough to give me bad Nippon Ichi flashbacks.

*bad Martin Sheen impression* The PSP... I can't believe I'm back on the PSP...

[Mongrel]

What's most fascinating to me is that it's bad enough that they've reached the point where actual legislation is being passed to ban particular mechanics in video games.

[Brentai]

The unique part is that most consumers of the product actually agree with it this time.

[Romosome]

Spoilers: the game gets super boring almost immediately. Even as they try to shower you in new stupid armor.

Before giving it up, I gave some PVP a whirl. Gameplay went pretty much the same as in PvE, until...



This happens.




Suddenly a lot of things make more sense.

The ARMOR BREAK has an actual gameplay penalty too, even though you can toggle it off in the options.




It doesn't look good. But soon, I get to use my HYPER ATTACK IS TOO COOL, and turn the tables on my opponent:




Now's my chance--


ffffff


I think we've seen enough.

[Hardly Ideal]

This is all so I can't even

If memory serves, people used to wear what basically amounted to padded wool long johns under their armor to make it bearable to wear. Even then, you'd get callouses all over from where that heavy crap rested on your shoulders and waist. Once you had it all on, you couldn't tell the men from the women without them taking off the helmet.

And a sculpted boobplate like that is a great way to crack your sternum if you fall down.

And wait, where did the little cream puff fairies come fr- actually, forget it.

[Mongrel]

There's some new anime game on Steam (and presumably other platforms) that is literally you go around town tearing the clothes off "demons" disguised as cute girls to expose them to sunlight to destroy them.

The best part is that apparently the reason they are demons is that they collected too many manga/anime figurines.

[Mothra]

As per the rules of Romo's thread, you must now download and play through Demongirl Rape Adventure

[Mongrel]

I would almost be willing to LP this if it was just a couple bucks. $35 is real money, dawg! @__@

EDIT: Took me forever to find the damn thing again. Even the name is hilariously bad: http://store.steampowered.com/app/333980/

EDIT2: This is so hilariously terrible I can honestly say I would be ashamed to have it on my own Steam account.