Bogus, batshit, banal, bizarre, or bicubic: Assorted News

[sei]

I assumed you were in your own home, streaming to a different room, as opposed to going to a friend's house.

[Mongrel]

Ars has brought us all a wonderful gift: Referring to yourself as a "L337H4X0R" does not in fact make you any good at opsec

[Yoji]

There's a fake news story floating around that Malia Obama was arrested in Chicago for hanging out with "a gang of thugs," doing all sorts of terrible things like drinking, drugs, and dogfighting. I guess this is the work of some group deliberately planting hoax stories to dupe racists.

Call me stupid, but I saw "dogfighting" in there and immediately imagined her doing it in the aerial combat sense.

Malia yanked back on the control stick and shoved the throttle to max, engines screaming as she sent her jet straight up into the sky over Chicago. The Sukhoi behind her shadowed her every move, sending tracers flashing over her head and glancing off her wings. Thug 7 called frantically called over the radio,
"Thug 1, what are you doing? Are you crazy!?"
"Probably," she grunted with effort as she pitched and rolled her plane in desperate evasion. After what seemed like an eternity, the enemy fire finally abated. She glanced at her mirrors to see her opponent stalling out and falling back towards the ground. Her gambit having paid off, she slacked the throttle, rolled lazily over, and thundered into pursuit. Deftly centering her crosshairs ahead of the Sukhoi, she mashed the trigger, her main gun vomiting bullets across the enemy fuselage. The aircraft sparked and flamed and eventually bloomed into a smoking fireball, twisting and tumbling as it crashed into Lake Michigan.

...sorry, what were we talking about again?

[Mongrel]

No wonder Obama looks like this these days then:



EDIT: My friend Earan thinks your take is "completely awesome" (sorry, you'll have to imagine the ferocious scots burr yourself).

[Yoji]

EDIT: My friend Earan thinks your take is "completely awesome" (sorry, you'll have to imagine the ferocious scots burr yourself).

:D And to think that I almost failed creative writing...

Also too: I heard this one on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me: "A robbery suspect attempting to rob a store with a sword was thwarted when the owner retaliated with [blank]."
A shotgu-
"Uh, an even bigger sword."
Wait, wha-
"You are correct!"

[Mongrel]

Actually everyone on the Magic forums loved your jet fighter take. It got responses for several days.

(to be fair, Top Gun jokes are a regular thing there, which is why I passed it along)

:3

[Mongrel]

The Atlantic: My Family's Slave

[Mongrel]

[McDohl]

If only that were the most scandalous thing in the US...

[Büge]

If I ever met Jian Ghomeshi on the street I'd kick him in the dick.

[Mongrel]

Oh my god I keep forgetting he was in that band.

;____;

The other members did wind up disowning him at least.

[Mongrel]

[Thad]

I feel like there's a pretty good PKD-style story in there somewhere about this happening with real animals.

[Esperath]

What happens when you feed a bunch of old Sherwin-Williams color swatches into a recurrent neural network?

ALL minions.

[Mongrel]

Tampa Bay News: Resident of apartment full of Neo-Nazis converts to Islam, kills two of his roommates for disrespecting his faith.

EDIT: The story just got even weirder:

[Mothra]

Classic Florida.

[Blossom]

Tampa Bay News: Resident of apartment full of Neo-Nazis converts to Islam, kills two of his roommates for disrespecting his faith.

EDIT: The story just got even weirder:

Claims the islam stuff, and now that's the entire story.

[Wheels]

https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/arti ... 00-serious

http://www.bitelabs.org/ is a new startup seeking to offer artisanal salami... made from the cultured meat of celebrities.

[sei]

soylent green is people tasteless

[Thad]

Somebody opened fire at a GOP baseball practice in Virginia. 5 people were hit, including Rep Steve Scalise of Louisiana, a member of his security detail, and a congressional staffer; no fatalities; suspect in custody.

Details are still coming in and I am half-asleep so may have gotten some wrong. Here are a couple more articles:

NYT: Steve Scalise Among 5 Reportedly Shot at Baseball Field
CNN: Republican House Whip Steve Scalise, congressional staffer shot in Virginia shooting