Truthiness! (Onion, Clickhole, etc.)

[KingRoyal]

‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

Couldn't have happened to a more Goggins Walton

[Thad]

Why I Am Resigning After Stabbing 97 People for Donald Trump

FOR THE PAST four years, I have held a job with the Trump administration in which I constantly stabbed people. In total, I stabbed 97 individuals, in the face, chest, groin, and nose.

Today I stand up and say: No more. I hereby resign my position as deputy assistant undersecretary for stabbing.

[Thad]

I see no choice but to resign from this Death Star as it begins to explode

[Mongrel]

I see no choice but to resign from this Death Star as it begins to explode

oh my god it's a WAPO EDITORIAL

ahahahahahaha

[Friday]

As I watch passively as my leader personally chokes several babies to death in a row, I am forced to resign my post of "Tracking and Acquirement of Babies for the Leader to Choke".

[Büge]

Hyenas Storm Pride Rock After Refusing to Accept Scar’s Defeat

[Büge]

If We Raise Minimum Wage, What’s Going to Stop My Kid From Getting a Job at McDonald’s, Making More Money Than Me, And Becoming MY Dad?

Antifa may argue that raising the minimum wage won’t spike the prices of previously affordable goods like fast food because those corporations are already turning a huge profit off the exploited labor of their hourly employees and that the same arguments against raising the minimum wage made now were historically made against child labor and overtime labor laws. But how exactly are any of those points going to help me when my own kid, the fruit of my loins, comes bursting through the front door, asks me if I’ve washed the car, then orders me to bed without supper? What exactly then, Kamala?

[Mongrel]

lmao

[Thad]

[Friday]

lmao

this made me laugh so hard i choked on my dark chocolate hershey kiss

yeah i've been on a dark chocolate kick recently i think i like it better than regular chocolate

[Mongrel]

lmao

this made me laugh so hard i choked on my dark chocolate hershey kiss

yeah i've been on a dark chocolate kick recently i think i like it better than regular chocolate

Starr lives almost entirely on a diet of extremely dark chocolate.

IMO, it's somewhat akin to the realization that there's coffee which doesn't actually taste like dog piss and therefore doesn't need to covered in massive quantities of cream and sugar. It's chocolate which is good enough to be eaten for the actual flavour of the chocolate.

[Niku]

the fact that people can eat milk chocolate at all boggles my mind these days. i just have absolutely no palate for it anymore.

aside from reeses cups. i'll hoover those down even if they have fuckin WHITE chocolate

[Brantly B.]

I'll eat all sorts of things that use milk chocolate as a medium or a container but eating milk chocolate by itself is like eating, I dunno, flour.

[mharr]

Y'all seriously need to visit Europe just for the candy revelation. They have cheap bars with zero added slavery or cat piss.

[Grath]

Y'all seriously need to visit Europe just for the candy revelation. They have cheap bars with zero added slavery or cat piss.

You can get Tony's Chocolonely in the US to get Dutch-recipe chocolate with no slavery or butyric acid from a tradition of using a low-termperature reduction of skim milk to make shelf-stable milk chocolate (or similar processes to mimic Hershey's taste because America's used to Hershey's recipe since 1903.)

[beatbandito]

Milk chocolate and white chocolate are both very good and if it's cat piss than they do something nice to the cat piss because it don't come from the tap that sweet.

[mharr]

Had no idea Tony's was an American import, I've seen that around all over the UK. I will do science to it.

[Grath]

Had no idea Tony's was an American import, I've seen that around all over the UK. I will do science to it.

Tony's is Dutch, but also produced and available in the US.

(Also, if butyric acid in chocolate is cat piss, then parmesan cheese also has cat piss.)

[Lottel]

Yeah but that one tastes like it does.

[Mongrel]