KateStory XIX

[Thad]

Ernie lives here, in this house.

Ernie's a regular guy and this is a regular house. Well, except...


--------

Somebody else finish that sentence.

Happy 20th anniversary.

[Büge]

for the-- Oh wait, he had that removed. Yes, it is a regular house.

He opens up his drawer to find a...

[Brantly B.]

Hedgehog.

"IT BEGIIIINS" says the hedgehog.

[Brantly B.]

Ernie inspects the hedgehog.

The hedgehog is purple. Other than that, and the fact that it apparently talks, it is a perfectly ordinary hedgehog. Who painted a talking hedgehog purple and put it in his regular drawer? That's Irregular.

"Hello," says the talking purple hedgehog, "My name is Hedgehog Z!"

Ernie nods sagely. It is the year 2000, so this makes sense.

"You're about to go on an adventure!" says the hedgehog.

"No I'm not," Ernie replies, and shuts the drawer.

Ernie goes back to sit on his regular chair. Then, his regular wall is knocked down by a...

[Friday]

god damn Kool-Aid Man Vampire.

"I knew it," says Ernie.

"I ONSSSSSSSE WASSSSS A MAN," says the Kool-Aid Man Vampire, the fluid inside him sloshing around in one motion.

Suddenly, the phone rings. After four rings, with honed reflexes, the machine picks up.

"Hello, you've reached Ernie," says a recording of Ernie's voice. "I can't come to the phone right now because a god damn Kool-Aid Man Vampire just burst through my wall, but if you want me to call you back, leave a message at the beep. BEEP."

A voice comes from the other end of the line. It says...

[Thad]

"Ernie. Ernie? Did you remember to go to the store? I only ask because..."

[Mongrel]

tuna is on sale on Thursdays and since tonight is the last full moon before the equinox and even if the chunk lite IS on sale during the half moon, it'll be waning then and you know that... wait... is the answering machine? Ernie, why do you never listen to me, you're so irresponsible!"

With that the, the call brusquely ended, but it hardly mattered because...

[Thad]

Ernie had no idea who the fuck that was.

Wait, we just switched from present to past tense, didn't we? Actually, that's probably for the best. Present tense is pretty hard to maintain.

"I don't know why he keeps calling me," muttered Ernie, brow furrowed. "Or how he knows my name or got this number."

Then, remembering what had just happened, he turned to the Kool-Aid Man Vampire. "Just look at this mess, goddamn Kool-Aid Vampire," he said with a scowl. "Who is going to clean that up?"

"Weeeeeell," rasped the Kool-Aid Man Vampire, "I was thinking perhaps it would be best if..."

[beatbandito]

"..."

"Yes," Ernie interrupted the pause "it would be best if what?"

The god damned Kool-Aid Manpire's voice raised again "fffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF..."

Ernie sighed and looked skyward, rubbing his temples as the extended response trailed off.

"FFFfffffffff..."

[Friday]

"...fffffffffffffffffffag's up fag's board was a work of art," said the goddamn Kool-Aid Man Vampire.

Ernie sighed. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, continuing to rub his temples. "I think I may be hallucinating."

Suddenly, Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan all came out of nowhere lightning fast and they kicked the goddamn Kool-Aid Man Vampire in his OH YEAH ass.

"Now I know I'm hallucinating," Ernie said.

"You've been chosen to go on an adventure!" Gandalf the Grey said to Ernie.

"No I haven't," Ernie said, and turn his chair around to face the half of his house that wasn't a complete wreck. "I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten, and then turn around again, and you people are all going to be gone because you're not real."

Ernie closed his eyes.

"One, two, three," he said.

Meanwhile, immense forces orbiting the planet began to align their particle cannons on Ernie's house.

"Four, five, six," Ernie counted.

Power cores were turned up to 100% power. Plasma spheres began to twirl and shine like a thousand brilliant suns.

"Seven," Ernie said.

Sleek tunnels of steel and mirror began to heat.

"Eight," Ernie mouthed to himself.

Emergency klaxons shrieked as safety protocols were overridden and failsafe shutdowns sparked and shorted out.

"Nine," Ernie said, mere seconds away from annihilation.

Just then...

[Brantly B.]

...the world exploded.

"Ten!" Ernie said, and turned around. All those people were gone, like Ernie had said, but he didn't know this yet because he had not opened his eyes.

All those people were gone because they had been vaporized when the world exploded, because that's normally what happens to people on the world when it explodes. That's a regular consequence. Ernie had not been vaporized. He had most Irregularly been transported to Another World, but he didn't know this yet because he had not opened his eyes.

A nightmarish black slug thing extended a single fang, and scratched him in the leg.

"Ow!" Ernie said, and opened his eyes. He rubbed the scratch on his leg. It stun a little.

And then Ernie...

[Caithness]

...saw the nightmarish black fanged slug thing. He sighed.

"So that didn't work, eh?" said Ernie. "I guess I might have to go to that psychiatrist appointment after all."

He got up out of his ordinary chair, which had been transported with him, and walked toward the door of the house on Another World, a house which looked remarkably like his own ordinary house. So much so, in fact, that he did not yet realize that it was not.

When he opened the door...

[Büge]

...he stubbed his toe on the cracked bit of the porch. He'd kept putting that off since winter, because why not? Masonry was work and work was boring. Right now, he regretted it a little. Pain jolted through him and he grabbed the injured digit. He screamed out as he hopped on one foot.

"MOTHER F..."

[Brantly B.]

..FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF--"

"Yo, Ernie, I really feel for you, I'ma let you finish, but Kanye West is one of the best memes of all time! One of the best memes of all time!"

"--FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF..."

[Thad]

"FFFFRANCES. Hello! Hello, Mother Frances. To what -- do I owe -- the pleasure?" Ernie tried to stop hopping and hissing.

"Ernie!" The nun, in turn, tried to hide her surprise, as she had not been expecting to see Ernie in this world. "Just, ah, just passing through. Did you stub your toe again?" She frowned sympathetically.

"What..." Ernie mumbled. "What was that about...Kanye West?"

"One of the best memes of all time," Mother Frances assured him.

"O...kay," Ernie responded.

And then, slowly, he looked up.

"Saaaaay," Ernie said, slowly. "Mother Frances...what's wrong with the sky? It's..."

[Caithness]

"...only 3:00 pm and it's already so dark!"

"Oh, didn't you know?" said Mother Frances. "There's a full eclipse of the sun today, on the last full moon before the equinox. It's a very special astrological event. I was just on my way to the observatory to view a presentation about it. Would you like to come?"

Ernie pondered the invitation for a moment, and then he...

[Friday]

fell over and died from the poison injected by the black slug thing.

Of course, Ernie didn't know that he had died. All he knew was that he suddenly got dizzy, started to fall, and then everything went black.

Blinking, Ernie squinted at a huge message in red lettering in front of him in a black void:

PRESS BUTTON TO CONTINUE

And under that:

ACCESS CODE: KBAB

And under that, a small red button atop a cylindrical post.

Ernie looked both ways, and then behind him. Nothing but black void. He looked down. He wasn't even standing on anything.

"Uh," Ernie began.

"Uh," Ernie finished.

He blinked again.

"Uh," he said.

Ernie pressed the button.

Ernie had not been vaporized. He had most Irregularly been transported to Another World, but he didn't know this yet because he had not opened his eyes.

A nightmarish black slug thing extended a single fang, and Ernie kicked it in the face. Or, well, you know. The head? Ernie wasn't sure.

In any case, the nightmarish black slug thing exploded into goop.

And then some other stuff happened until:

"Oh, didn't you know?" said Mother Frances. "There's a full eclipse of the sun today, on the last full moon before the equinox. It's a very special astrological event. I was just on my way to the observatory to view a presentation about it. Would you like to come?"

Ernie pondered the invitation for a moment, and then he... suddenly realized he had traveled backward in time.

"Holy shit!" he said. And then; "Ow!"

Mother Frances withdrew her yardstick she had hit Ernie over the head with.

"I don't want your filthy stolen money!" she admonished.

"Huh?" said Ernie, rubbing his head.

"Oh, sorry, wrong line," Mother Frances said. "I meant to say: Watch your mouth."

Ernie kept rubbing his head. He was fairly certain he had just had a really amazing experience. But it was all kind of fuzzy, and fading fast, thanks no doubt in part to the quite solid smack he had just taken on the skull.

"So are you coming or not?" Mother Frances asked.

Ernie blinked.

"What's that huge black lion monster looking thing?" he said, still blinking.

The huge black lion monster looking thing roared, and leaped forward, teeth like needles. Ernie flinched a bit, but didn't do much else. The teeth were only millimeters from his face.

Then, suddenly, Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and --

"No, no, no," Mother Frances said, shooing away the lion and all the rest with her broom. "I'll have none of that nonsense in my house, thank you very much."

Sheepishly, the lion and the rest walked around to the back of the house.

Ernie blinked. Truthfully, it was pretty much the only thing he was really that good at. Well, that and taxidermy. But that was because...

[Esperath]

Ernie had a good eye for stitching, and could tell a shoddy stuffing job from a mile away. Between blinks, Ernie noticed a loose thread dangling from Mother Frances' neck, and everything made some goddamn sense.

"Goddamnit, you're not Mother Frances! You're a goddamn ZOMBIE GOAST wearing Mother Frances' skin, and I'm allergic to goddamn ZOMBIE GOASTS!"

Ernie blinked. He really wished he'd packed a couple Claritin in a travel pill case or something. Goddamnit.

Mother Frances' skin formed a crease that could be interpreted as a frown. "I paid good money for this skin! Now what am I going to do? I can't go to the observatory in this state!"

Ernie attempted to blink, but was interrupted halfway through by...

[Thad]

the squealing tires and honking horn of an extremely disreputable cab, which pulled up halfway onto the sidewalk and narrowly missed colliding with him.

The passenger door rolled down and the cabbie peered out the window at the two of them. "Somebody call a cab?" he asked. "Observatory?"

Zombie Goast Mother Frances started to raise her arms and protest but Ernie gave her a light shove and loudly called out, "Sure did! Let's go, Mother Frances!"

He opened the back door, lightly shoved her in, sighed, slid in next to her, sneezed, and shut the door.

"But I told you!" she protested. "I can't go to the observatory in this state!"

"Listen, lady," Ernie growled, "I am less than entirely thrilled with you wearing a nun's skin. And badly, I might add. I imagine that at the observatory we will find other people who are also less entirely thrilled with you wearing a nun's skin. Badly."

"Uh-oh," said the cabbie, as he turned wildly and sharply to the left, to the sound of angry honking all around them. "We've got a problem. Look up there -- do you see that...?"

[Caithness]

"...telescope? That means the observatory is right here. You were so close to your destination you could have walked."

"Don't worry, I'll still pay the minimum fare," said Ernie, as he paid the minimum fare. He and the Zombie Geist wearing Mother Frances' skin then tried to go in the front door of the observatory, but they weren't in there for long before Ernie turned around and walked right back out.

"What's wrong?" asked the Geist.

"It's my allergies," Ernie replied. "It's as if everyone in the audience there were a Zombie Geist."

Frances-Geist peered in and exclaimed "So they are! I guess I'll fit in just perfectly after all. And I won't need..."