Laser Swords: Episode 9: The Emperor's New Groove

[Brantly B.]

I had more or less the same thought and no kidding I'm pretty sure that was the bit that convinced me that the movie was doing this shit on purpose. It drops not less than five minutes after the word go so it really comes off as cinema-speak for "Yep, this is the level of pulp you're watching now, deal with it or don't."

Palpatine apparently has enough dudes there on Spooky Sith Planet to dedicate a stadium-full to standing around and chanting things, so a standby staff of 90 million morlocks isn't that out of the question I guess?

[Brantly B.]

If Why Not Use the Holdo Maneuver Guy seems familiar, it's because he's Merry from the LotR movies. I honestly thought he was supposed to be Sha'a Gi back from the dead.

[pacobird]

Guys this movie is so fuckin bad but I went to see it with my mom and she loved it so I can't say anything and I'm losing my mind

[pacobird]

1) I like how palpatine being the bad guy was too dumb to film so they put it in the crawl and give you a second to process before starting the movie

2) I keep thinking about the bit in Clerks about Death Star contractors and how it's funny because it's the exact sort of nuance Star Wars refuses to acknowledge, and Last Jedi tried but NOOOOOOOOPE

3) what was the thing Finn needed to tell Rey?

4) was it Finn or Poe? I don't remember!

5) Resurrection is a sith power! This is well-established! The prequels are garbage but they're Canon!

6) how dare you insult me by reminding my I have seen episode 3 and know that resurrection is a sith power! How dare you remind me I would have enjoyed this more if all I knew about star wars was going to the first movie drunk and passing out during the Cantina scene!

[Brantly B.]

Force Heal is a Light Side power, duh.

[pacobird]

Rey was dead as fuck

[beatbandito]

1) I like how palpatine being the bad guy was too dumb to film so they put it in the crawl and give you a second to process before starting the movie

Worth noting just to make sure it's not passed over: That speech actually took place in a disney sponsored custom fortnite map that went up just before the movie release as a promo.

[beatbandito]

Also I have yet to see even one person say anything about how rough Rey's parents got it. Palpatine's son hooks up with someone, has a kid, defies the most powerful sith lord ever known / his dad, and all he gets for it is no name, face, and for the kid he died saving so she could save the galaxy instead of destroying it not even asking a single question before forever denying them and embracing the family who fucked up that plan the first AND SECOND time though.

[Mongrel]

Yeah, that's almost as bad a mistake as "Have the Clone Wars be the central conflict of the age during the prequels... but don't show them."

I think Rey-as-a-Palpatine would have worked eleventy-billion-times better if they just revealed it in the first movie and then made her struggle more of a mirror of Kylo's throughout the remaining two. Would have also given the not-romance another angle as they'd have something else in common. Star Wars is big on artificial symmetry after all.

Never mind that a bunch of people were guessing that would be the big reveal before the first movie was even out anyway, because it was THAT OBVIOUS.

[Brantly B.]

I just realized the Sequels are a Star Wars KateStory.

[Brantly B.]

And then the world exploded.

[beatbandito]

rocks fall, everyone exists as part of an ageless armada underground for 40 years

[Brantly B.]

Everybody gasped. It was Emperor Palpatine! Oh my fuck!

"I thought you died," said the ghost of Luke Skywalker, "I saw Dad throw you down that shaft!"

"I totally did!" said both the Old Ghost of Darth Vader and the Young Ghost of Darth Vader.

"Yesss," cackled Emperor Palpatine, "But where did you think that shaft LED to?"

"Uh... a reactor core, I guess?" said the ghost of Luke Skywalker.

"You FOOL!" spat the Emperor, "Did you REALLY think I would set up my throne room over something so obviously dangerous as a shaft to the reactor core? No, no no. THAT shaft led... to my awesome glowing mattress pile!!!"

Everybody gasped. Oh my fuck!

"And NOW that I have once again thwarted a Jedi's attempts to kill me, I shall once again execute my evil plan... to be killed by a Jedi. Rey! DO it to me!"

"Ew! Grand DAD, not in front of my boyfriend!"

"Curse that cursed Harry Potter!" muttered Professor Snape.

"Now, behold!" cried Emperor Palpatine as he opened up his very evil skylight. Above, all of Rey's friends were in X-wings fighting against the Emperor's weird magic Sith armada.

"See how your friends struggle against the might of my ridiculous armies! Now, strike me down, or I shall have them crushed like insects! But I promise, if you strike me down, I will possess your Jedi body, and then have them crushed like insects!"

"This-a not seem like a very good deal!" said Jar-Jar Binks, who was also there.

"Perhaps not, but you shall go for it anyway, because GOOD is DUMB."

"Mm-hmm, hold that thought," muttered Rey as she tapped on her wrist communicator. "Hey Poe, do you read me up there?"

"Loud and clear."

"Quick question, are you Force sensitive at all?"

"Not last I checked."

"Great. You see the skylight below you that just opened up?"

"Yeah?"

"You see this creepy old man that I'm looking at?"

"...yeah?"

"Shoot him with your space lasers, please."

"Now wait just a minu-" said Emperor Palpatine before exploding.

"Well that was easy," said Rey.

"Potter!" hissed Professor Snape.

And so the Galaxy was saved forever, until one day...

[Friday]

[Mongrel]

ageless armada underground for 40 years

The fact that they REALLY FUCKING PULLED the "LOL I had an ageless giant armada hidden up my asshole for 40 years, sucks to be YOU GUYS!" move is just mind-blowing in how bad that is.

Like, that is shit-tier 80's cartoon levels of writing. Even Cobra Commander didn't have THAT much of a disregard for logistics or realism, JFC.

This was the best they could do in a movie costing HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!!??!?!?!?!?! WAT DA FUQ

[Mongrel]

<Vodalian Stallion> The new star wars movie was OK and then they just started making shit up and it was dumb the end.
<QED2> The making shit up started in the opening crawl
<Grant> The fact that they put the message in a Fortnite event is hilarious, though.
<Jeb Bush 2012> star wars DDR where a list of nostalgia beats comes in through the opening crawl and you have to edit them into the movie in real time
<3w13> I choose to believe that the opening crawl has kylo ren copying dance moves right in it
<Grant> Disney's Citizen Kane: "To find out what Charles Kane says as he dies, play ball-and-cup!"
<QED> DRINK OVALTINE
<Yoss> DRINK PALPATINE
<Khaos> its got what jedi crave, electrocution

[KingRoyal]

I don't hate this movie because it's fundamentally a reaction to fan backlash to The Last Jedi with poor revelations and forced, stilted creative choices. All of that stuff is bad, yes, but not enough to make me hate the film. What makes me hate it is that, deep in the structure of the thing, it is a terrible fucking movie.

I'll start with what I did like, since it isn't all bad. The film is very, very pretty. The set design, world building and a lot of the visuals, with a few exceptions, were all top notch. Kylo Ren's quarters aboard his star destroyer and the subsequent psychic battle between him and Rey looked amazing. And Abrams choreographs lightsaber battles so they actually feel like real fights with weight and heft, more akin to the battle in Empire than the perfectly executed ballets of the prequels.

But my god, what terrible writing. Characters are constantly just outright stating plot points or character emotions in a way that would make the Robot Devil angry. The worst offender has got be Hux gleefully exclaiming "I'm the spy!" after revealing that he is, in fact, the spy, presumably because he watched the earlier scene where everyone was amazed and curious about the identity of the one(1) spy in the First Order. Everything about it felt like a first draft, where instead of having time to actually develop the outline into scenes where revelations happen, they simply gave dialogue to often random characters to explain what was going on. I get that Star Wars has never been Shakespeare, but even the prequels at least tried to pretend that the characters had inner lives.

The other thing that really bugged me was the pacing. Part of why all the expository dialogue felt so jarring is that we were constantly moving. There's probably not more than a handful of shots that lasted more than 10 seconds, and nearly every scene ended by introducing a problem or conflict then instantly solving it. Nothing felt like it had any more weight or importance than anything else. Even when confronted with character deaths the movie couldn't find the time to pause and reflect, because it had to move on to the next plot point.

What a whimper for the new trilogy to go out on. A studio trying to do damage control around a portion of their audience vocally disliking the previous film, then handing the reins over to a director with no personal vision for a movie beyond trying to anticipate and satisfy fan expectations.

[Mongrel]

[Thad]

I'll start with what I did like, since it isn't all bad. The film is very, very pretty. The set design, world building and a lot of the visuals, with a few exceptions, were all top notch. Kylo Ren's quarters aboard his star destroyer and the subsequent psychic battle between him and Rey looked amazing. And Abrams choreographs lightsaber battles so they actually feel like real fights with weight and heft, more akin to the battle in Empire than the perfectly executed ballets of the prequels.

The sound design also deserves a shout-out. Hearing the orchestra in the IMAX sound system was worth the price of admission.

Other than that...yeah, pretty much what everybody else already said.

[Büge]

a tumblr review: the dialogue scenes with leia felt like a space ghost interview